Ramblings On Love And The Healing Of The Soul
I suppose true love comes for us all at one time or another. I found mine when I was young and ignorant. Ignorant of the fact that when you find something good you grab ahold of it and never let it go. You brave whatever you must brave to keep that something good near you. I let my true love go.
I see life as having different kinds of love. I can't hope to explain it all; better minds have tried and failed. I can only say that in thirty-seven years of life I have only met one person I have felt totally comfortable around. One person that fit me. One person that I would trust with my most darkest and joyous secrets, hopes and desires. That is how I define a 'true love'.
I met her in Washington in 1989 and only knew her for a very short time. I chose to move back to California for reasons that seemed good at the time, but in retrospect were flimsy. This move of mine no doubt hurt her deeply but I was convinced, with the stupid surety of youth, that I would move back to Washington. Years passed and life took me, and her, in different directions and I never did move back. I went back to visit my friends some years later and had the opportunity to meet up with my true love during that trip. It was an awkward experience.
She was, perhaps understandably, cold towards me. I felt as if I didn't quite know her and certainly didn't feel the same sense of total trust I had felt towards her when we had first met. I still felt enormous affection that could, I felt, blossom into love, but she gave off signals that I perhaps shouldn't try. Still, she had driven a good distance to my friend's house to see me and maybe I was reading her distance wrongly. Maybe she was just being guarded. She spent one day with me and we chatted and then she went home.
On the day I left for home, I phoned her and left a message. I would have liked to have talked in person to her, but I need to get to the airport so I made due with what I could. A phone message it would have to be. I told her that the boy of yesterday loved her with all his heart and the man still does. I told her that I was sorry for leaving all those years ago and I probably said more hollow words that I won't go into. Hollow because even with all those emotions, and an admission of such, I still meant to get on that plane and fly home. This proves a person can indeed be stupid twice on the same matter.
Life again took me and I found myself married to a woman I would later divorce. On April 22nd of that year (1997) my wife got a phone call for me. I took the receiver and listened as my friend from Washington told me that my true love had just gotten into a car accident and had died. Nine years of my life flashed by me then. All those choices I had made seemed useless in the face of the one choice I should have made. I should have never walked away from true love. I was given a second chance and I again walked away.
Life doesn't often give second chances and it had just guaranteed that I'd never get a third.
Her death is now ten years gone and for some reason I was reminded of her last night by a character in a book..a book she had recommended to me years ago. I broke down and cried myself to sleep. All day at work I have been getting flashes of memories and I've never missed someone like I miss her right now. I've never regretted anything as strongly as leaving her.
Life turned out alright for me. I've gotten two wonderful children and life gave me a woman that is close enough to my 'true love' to be frightening. We have our ups and downs, but I'll not make the same mistake I made twice before. Life has given me a Good Thing and I'm sticking with it.
Women come and go in a man's life and some he loves and some he only cares for and others are just a night's lust made real. Only one love is so deep that your very soul rests satisfied in the cradle of it. When you find that love, hold on and never, ever, let go.
I miss you, Mamie Rose.