Okay. I lied. There's a lot better than that.
Four kids from my school got arrested this week. One for shop-lifting, the other three for attempted murder. Don't I feel happy and safe at school.
The problem is childrens' TV. It used to teach morals. Now it teaches Spanish.
I got invited to one of God's Great and Grand and Happy Fiestas of Fun. Except. It was a pool party.
It was going to be me, my friend, and all girls.
Now it's going to be the host and one other person. Cuz my friend's a loser and not going and everyone else has a job.
It's kind of lame. I was looking forward to, you know, like, getting out and being with people and having fun. But I don't have fun when I'm one of only three people at a party and am not fully clothed. Cuz then they take Facebook pics. And then you forget you have no shirt on. And then you realize there you are on Facebook, half naked.
That's why pool parties suck.
So kind of a letdown there.
The other day, I almost died. I had this incredible encounter with the jaws of fatality, but I rassled it away.
Well, not really. There was a tornado in the town due Northwest of here. It was headed due Southeast. They showed it on God's Big Picture in a Box with Audio. There was Coolkid, Massachusetts, engulfed in a purple mass of weather Hell.
Old Guy said:
See, Old Guy wanted us to die, okay, just saying, you'll see.
Anyway, right as the sky got light and the wildlife ran away and we were seriously considering going to the basement...
Old Guy said:
So we were still gonna die. So then they went to this repulsively HIDEOUS old woman who even my grandmother's first remark was "good lord the storm must've killed her, what an UGLY woman!" Which is funny because she's not the ugliest newscaster I've ever seen...once on a local news channel they had this Arabic lady with two teeth, both of which were severely crooked and in seriously random places. I almost mistook her for EuroBritish until they showed her name on the bottom of the screen. By the way, her forename is Prat. Ahahahah. Anyway, she gave us some sage advice.
Old lady named Gail, which rhymes with hail said:
Gail wants us dead too! Great idea! Hailstorm, go run outside!!!
Anyway, the storm turned to a five minute rain with one flash of lightning. But fear not...
Old guy said:
So don't worry. We all died and the world ended. Take that North Korea! We ended the world before YOU!
Right now, I'm typing to you from a Dunkin Donuts (or a Dunkin Coffee as those Krazy Kats in Madrid call it) on a typewriter I found floating on the flooded streets. That's how desperate this situation really is.
Except not. Nothing happened.