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Unlike Jenson Button, Alonso unfortunately has never had the IQ to make up for his lack of pace or racecraft. What he did have was a d#ck-Dastardly-like ability to get away with anything, and a dictator like charisma to inspire his team by making them believe that he has supernatural powers. Thus, it wasn't hard to convince Nelson Piquet that it was god who put Justin Bieber on repeat on his pit-to-car radio, forcing him to crash to escape the agony. So let's all have a drink, to Fernando, you were sort of good once, when Schumacher was past his best and Vettel was still a virgin, and being two seconds faster than Fisichella was good enough to win championships, when Ferrari actually imagined you were good enough to lead the team to the point that they let your grandma drive the second car (skillfully disguised as Felipe Massa, who tragically died from a head injury in 2009). Ferrari totally believed that they didn't need Adrian Newey when they had you and your six tenths.
You were going to be the driver who would overtake Schumacher's record of 7 championships. Alas, that was not to be. As you potter around in a red car, and then for a few more years in cars with increasingly unattractive paint schemes, we will remember that you once overtook Schumacher around 130R. However, this year you crashed out on the first lap from your very own mistake while you were leading the championship, and you haven't hit rock bottom yet. We will remember that once you managed to convince people that you don't make mistakes, but I think the wool is being pulled from Ferrari's eyes as we speak.
This is the last chance to celebrate your better drives, which allow us to gloss over the c#ck ups that cost you three championships you really should have won. Sadly, there will be no such highs in the coming years as you will be routinely embarrassed by your teammate as Ferrari will soon put a real Formula 1 driver in the other Ferrari - this is perhaps not the best time, but I have to inform you that Ferrari have rejected your offer to let your one-legged nephew Felix drive the other Ferrari. They didn't quite buy the argument that since Senna's nephew is good enough for F1 and you're better than Senna, your nephew is the best they can do. Nor did they give much attention to your stories of how he will be good as he is used to being behind you, tied to the back of your tricycle usually when you were young I have heard.
This would be a good time to start sucking up to some sponsors, though I heard the Spanish economy isn't doing that well. I have heard that HRT will have a vacancy or two soon, and they would be ok with your dog driving the other car if he comes with sponsorship money. Or you could just buy the team with the money Ferrari have paid you in the hope that if they pay you as much as they paid Schumacher, you will be as good and win as many championships. Then you just need to pick a teammate who has driven in F1 before and is agreeable to driving two seconds slower than whatever you can manage - chap called De La Rosa I heard has been looking for a drive, does not need to be paid, and will do your gardening as a bonus. That way, your fans will be spared the trauma of watcihng your spiralling decline as they can always blame it on the fact that your car was not good enough because nothing else would explain the fact that your teammate is way slower.
Or you can do the right thing Fernando. Retire now. You're 31 and your skills, even as they are, will inexorably decline. Vettel is at his peak, a mere 25, and was a better driver than you from before he discovered masturbation. Some as cerebrally challenged as you can't pull off a Button either. You'll be a curly haired disappointment to a nation that's already going through a lot. On the bright side, you managed to convince the whole world and the press that you're better than you actually are. Getting away with cheating without a whiff of scandal was also incredible, you pulled off the caper of a lifetime by feigning innocence of the Piquet crash scheme. You can be proud.
I am glad to see you take your defeat gracefully, acknowledging your mistakes by saying ""The championship was lost when Vettel surprisingly only got a reprimand after qualifying in Japan." Indeed Mr. Alonso. And the championship was nearly won when Nico Hulkenberg received a ridiculous penalty, which may have ended the career of a talented driver about to achieve a career-saving podium finish, but well that's collateral damage, just the way Piquet was. So much for the best laid plans...
Edited by cavallino, 25 November 2012 - 06:48 PM.
Welcome back, Cav. That's great, though I don't really agree with it.
