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Quiet One

The Completely Unbiased Hockenheim Report

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It could have been another wonderful, thrilling Hockenheim Sunday. Just a normal race under the warm sunshine, and the young maids would be running around in the woods dancing, and the guys would be dancing in thighs if it wasn't for...

THE EVIL BRITISH-NAZI-ANTI-FERRARI KOMINTERN!!!

It's Sunday, the Lord's day. The curtain rises over the dark woods in the middle of Deutscheland. Birds singing, crickets cricketing, Briatore speaking in tongues. The cars, those rumbling steeds, are anxiously awaiting for the lights to go green and the mighty spectacle of Formula One to begin.

Enter our hero, Alonso, his powerful brows waving under the gentle breeze that blows through the trees. Just before the start of the race, he jumps from his car and defying all odds, he runs across the track, with total disregard for his own life, just to help an old lady walk across the track. The old lady ended up being Bernie, which only managed to muster a "Thanks, my hero!" meanwhile Fernando, without a word, just winked at him and jumped right back inside his car.

So, the lights go green and the race is on! Fernando, who was throwing some beautiful edelweiss he collected from the woods prancing around right before the race to the public, and was unaware of the first murderous attack by the evil Sebastian, a.k.a. "Das Webbowingengrabben". The German driver with his RBR fitted with an illegal targeting system, zeroed on Alonso's "Little Red Hood" Ferrari, firing twin 30mm guns from his front wing (the last developement from the Austrian team). His banzai attack missed our hero by inches, thanks to Nando's hyperhuman reflexes, learnt from an oriental monk's burro in the Himalayas.

But that was just a distraction as the real danger was a traitor from within the team. And the name of this turncoat was Felipinho, the same kid Alonso saved just a race ago from certain death in UK by crashing Felipe's car, thus preventing it to go too fast and killing its Brazilian passenger.

The unthankful Southamerican slipped past through the smoke caused by Vettel's attack and took P1. Meanwhile, the remaining cars scrambled everywhere in panic by turn one and Vettel's fellow countryman, Michael, used his Blitzkrieg tacticts to jump 3 places up the grid.

Many other things went on, but nobody cares so blah blah blah...fast forward...

Pitstops. Bob K, Alonso's old friend, rushed to his friend's rescue, but he forgot about the Schumi, Das Olde Schweinhund. Michael got into a battlefight against the faithful Pole, which once again left poor Nando to battle against all odds.

But, wait! We forgot to introduce you to the mastermind of all this backstabbing farce, the guy that cowardly puppeteered this whole show from behind the curtains. This evil Mastermind is known as...Lewis, The Smileodon of Gruesome Evil Ruthless Merciless Badness. That's right. Laughing maniacally in his car fitted with the latest developments from both the MI-6 and the SS he issues his battle orders to his lackeys Vettel, Felipinho, Schumi, the Santander Bank, British Petroleum and Sesame Street's Elmo.

Felipinho was in trouble as Alonso defying all odds was in the hunt of the traitor. Massa called lewis for help, and his Master reacted fast

"Mayday, mayday, that cursed Spaniard is on my tail!" yelled the Brazilian.

"Blimey!" cursed the evil Brit "take evasive measures!" meaning locking wheels like crazy in order to creat a smoke screen to blind the valiant Spaniard.

Alonso, too was blinded by rage when he heard the news that his Polish-Russian allies in their flaming Hornet-cars were being kept at bay by ze Germans Schumi, Rosberg and Hulkenberg coalligated against them. He also called the Holy FIA for help, only to hear a guy with a fake French accent saying "Ja? How may I destroy you...errr....help you, Herr Monsieur?" (Jean Toad was being held prisoner in a dungeon after surrenedering to what he thought was a Red Army invasion, only to realize too late that it was just the Pizza Hut's delivert guy)

But when we thought that was hero was lost, he pulled energies from seemingly out of nowhere to fight back. Ahhh and what a titanic fight it was! Massa moving here and there and Alonso attacking all over, wheel to wheel, with gritted teeth and clenched fists and frowned eyebrows!

Sparks flying from the rims of the cars as they clashed at over 500mph when Alonso finally squeezed through and away towards freedom and victory!

Lewis, cursing with frustration, turned with bitterness towards his faithful lackey Button which was sulking behind him as usual. "You useless fool! This is all your fault! Now finish behind me as that is your place!"

"Yes, Master Lewis" was Jenson's reply.

Finally, surrounded by millions of Germans delighted with Nando, the guy that freed them from the Hamilton tyranny, the Knight from Oviedo raised the Cup of Liberty while the Brazilian weasel and the German Assassin gazed down in shameful defeat.

Ahhh, but he didn't count with The Smileodon of Gruesome Evil Ruthless Merciless Badness and his dirty tacticts. Unknowingly to Alonso, Lewis had broadcasted a rigged recording of an alleged pit radio transmission to "prove" that it was actually team orders and tarnishing our superhero's reputation among the little children.

And thus, yet another fight between the forces of Good an Evil ended. But the war is far from over...

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I'm sending a nuclear bomb specifically designed to fit up your harris for that lackey Button comment.

But for the rest the report i loled and rofled and lmfaoed at. Excellent!

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:roll:

Awesome! I'm looking forward to the installment where Lewis tells Luke Fernando: "I'm your father".

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LOL, absolutely fantastic! I'm glad everyone else at work is having a vacation so I can ROFL at peace :clap3:

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:lol:

Andres, that is effing amazing - was just in need of a giggle....

Everyone in the office wanted to know what it was (what I was larfing at) - so I emailed it to them. 2 of the women fancy you, assuming that anyone with such comic genius must be a rampant monster in bed. I told them that Paul says you're crap :P

Thanks fella!

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Oh. Quiet Lord! Finally truth was told!

... and they fight each other happily for years...

The End

Yeah an it was you that was supposed to have told it! :lol:

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:lol: There you are! Sorry, lad :whistling:! But was meant as a tongue in cheek thread.

You are still up for the Completely Biased Hockenheim Report :P

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Ahahahahah!! Just too good, and I could swear there was even a rhyme or two! :D

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Enter our hero, Alonso, his powerful brows waving under the gentle breeze that blows through the trees.

Brilliant.

As for the report itself: quite possibly the best damned report I've ever read. Marry me.

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:lol:

Sorry, I find too much paralellism with reality. :lol:

OH Ale Lord! truth -britishstyle- was told!

...and Jense never will fight Lewis for the years to come...

The new end

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:lol:

Sorry, I find too much paralellism with reality. :lol:

But of course! I don't even know what these people are all laughing at!

Seriously, the origin of this thread was me, writing a fuming reply to one of the many asinine comments on the race when I realized just how ridicule it all was and my own grim face while writing the post. So decided to just lighten up.

This proves that we Alonso fanboys are superior because we can laugh at ourselves ;)

And laughter is the most powerful weapon in the Universe, more powerful than love (I know it because the other day I was about to make love with a burro sheep hooker beautiful lady and when I pulled down my pants she pointed at me and laughed...and it was game over!)

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But of course! I don't even know what these people are all laughing at!

Seriously, the origin of this thread was me, writing a fuming reply to one of the many asinine comments on the race when I realized just how ridicule it all was and my own grim face while writing the post. So decided to just lighten up.

This proves that we Alonso fanboys are superior because we can laugh at ourselves ;)

And laughter is the most powerful weapon in the Universe, more powerful than love (I know it because the other day I was about to make love with a burro sheep hooker beautiful lady and when I pulled down my pants she pointed at me and laughed...and it was game over!)

:lol:

Is it just me, or am i correct in saying the mighty Quiet One has rediscovered his mighty devastatingly humor form (which pleases us immensely)... at the same time Alonso finds his mojo, but not at overtaking I might add...

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OH Ale Lord! truth -britishstyle- was told!

...and Jense never will fight Lewis for the years to come...

The new end

I predict hard times for you ahead...

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...

Whoever read it I do not apologise, I just edit the comment to avoid others reading (and suffering) private matters.

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OH Ale Lord! truth -britishstyle- was told!

...and Jense never will fight Lewis for the years to come...

The new end

Slap. Big hard slap.

Thats the end for you if I catch up to you.

:P

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I predict hard times for you ahead...

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Pitstops. Bob K, Alonso's old friend, rushed to his friend's rescue, but he forgot about the Schumi, Das Olde Schweinhund. Michael got into a battlefight dogfight against the faithful Pole, which once again left poor Nando to battle against all odds.

Felipinho was in trouble as Alonso defying all odds was in the hunt of the traitor. Massa called lewis for help, and his Master reacted fast

"Mayday, mayday, that cursed Spaniard is on my tail!" yelled the Brazilian.

"Blimey!" cursed the evil Brit "take evasive measures!" [...] in order to creat a smoke screen to blind the valiant Spaniard.

Alonso, too was blinded by rage when he heard the news that his Polish-Russian allies in their flaming Hornet-cars were being kept at bay by ze Germans Schumi, Rosberg and Hulkenberg coalligated against them.

rders and tarnishing our superhero's reputation among the little children.

And thus, yet another fight between the forces of Good an Evil ended. But the war is far from over...

For some ungodly reason, after reading these paragraphs, I started humming the "RAF March," put in my "Battle of Brittain" DVD, and played the "Polish Sequence" ("Repeat, please!") over and over again...

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