All I Want For Christmas Is....

[Autumnpuma 0]

Dear Santa,

I don't really need anything. Oh, life's rough and there's not much money to go 'round these days but I'm warm, my kids are happy and my wife still jumps me from time to time. I haven't gone hungry since that one week in my 20's and there's beer in the 'fridge and whiskey in the cupboard. So all in all, I'm doing ok.

But if you could manage to have Rudolph sh!t in Med's living room, that would be fantastic. And give Andres a nuke. Right on his front lawn.

[Medilloni 6]

Dear Santa,

I don't really need anything...........my wife still jumps me from time to time...........

Yeah, leave Mike alone Santa, he's got all he needs

But if you could manage to have Rudolph sh!t in Med's living room, that would be fantastic.

Cheeky bugger

You reminded me of those little things parents do for their kids to keep the Santa thang going... though we stopped short of importing Reindeer mounds in the living room

Before the kids went to bed we left the obligatory mince pie and whiskey for the guy in red, along with a bowl of water and carrots for the Reindeer.

Once the wee ones were in bed (assisted by the amazing NORAD Santa Tracker!), we'd make mucky hoof prints in the kitchen (from a paper 'lucky horse shoe' - that's today's crafting tip..), cut the carrots up with a chip slicer for 'authentic' teeth marks, and leave a drop of the water with a bit of carrot thrown in. Corny? Lies, damn lies? Yeah, but the look of awesommenessness on their faces was unreal

So, my cheery chums, tell us your stories... what do you do in the magic hours of Christmas Eve? Apart from you Mike, we know you'll be getting your oats then

[LabradoRacer 2]

Deer Santa (I'm trying to grow out of puns, I swear),

A few questions for you:

1) Do you get sexually aroused when children sit on your lap? If so, is that kid's face trickling with his snot or your....? Further, do you have a hard time keeping a straight face whenever a little boy says "South Pole"?

2) Does it bother you that your appearance's origins lie in Coca Cola's advertising campaigns from ye olde days?

3) Do you ever feel like visiting a shrink on account that you don't exist? An aside: Yesterday evening, I thought I saw you in all your red, portly glory and was all set to become a believer. However, a closer inspection revealed that it was Little Red Riding Hood, heavily pregnant with the wolf's child.

4) What's the whole idea of being secretive and sliding down chimneys? I mean you show yourself to children in malls and such places. Makes no sense to me that you'd want to be invisible in their homes. Further, what if somone mistakes you for an intruder & blows your brains out with a sawed-off shotgun? So, will you consider knocking up on children's doors?

5) Does it depress you that you're a fat fuck? Are you even able to see your weenis? And the cold environs don't help either! Also, are you even able to reach it with your hands? If not, does an elf hold it for you when it's time for pee-pee? Do the elves take turns to do this job? Also, how is it that you never get stuck in a chimney?

6) How is it that your English is so fantastic? I wish I had at least a fraction of your wordsmith skills.

7) My idea of "give & take" is : You (& my friends) give me presents, I take 'em. Does it mean I've imbibed the true Xmas spirit?

8) Do you (or your elves) use your beard as a wiping rag?

9) What's the whole idea behind cutting down fir/spruce trees and decorating 'em with a gazillion trinkets? In effect, an Xmas tree is just a carcass decorated with shiny baubles. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Xmas supposed to celebrate the life (birth?) of another bearded guy? Celebrate life with a dead tree? So, don't you think a living tree looks much better? (That sad howling? That's Dogmatix crying, as is his wont.)

10) Why don't you slaughter all those politically correct w#nkers who scream "Happy Holidays"? You can even use their blood to dye your suits.

11) Will you respond angrily or insult me for the questions above?

[LabradoRacer 2]

Damnation, double post.

[pabloh20 1]

Yeah, leave Mike alone Santa, he's got all he needs

Cheeky bugger

You reminded me of those little things parents do for their kids to keep the Santa thang going... though we stopped short of importing Reindeer mounds in the living room

Before the kids went to bed we left the obligatory mince pie and whiskey for the guy in red, along with a bowl of water and carrots for the Reindeer.

Once the wee ones were in bed (assisted by the amazing NORAD Santa Tracker!), we'd make mucky hoof prints in the kitchen (from a paper 'lucky horse shoe' - that's today's crafting tip..), cut the carrots up with a chip slicer for 'authentic' teeth marks, and leave a drop of the water with a bit of carrot thrown in. Corny? Lies, damn lies? Yeah, but the look of awesommenessness on their faces was unreal

So, my cheery chums, tell us your stories... what do you do in the magic hours of Christmas Eve? Apart from you Mike, we know you'll be getting your oats then

I love the norad tracks santa site. Though I'm not sure screaming to the kids that Santa is in Egypt, he's going to be here soon, helps them get to sleep any quicker.

We always put down Santa's magical dust trail going from their bedroom door to their presents. Well actually it's gold glitter, but they don't know any different. Although after the first year we did it, we realised that you need to hoover the floor and their feet before they go downstairs, otherwise you will find glitter around for weeks afterwards and in places you didn't think it was possible to walk

What was quite funny was one time my wife was doing some craft/artworky type thing for Jack and she used the same glitter by mistake. Jack was looking at it strangely and then said, that looks just like Santa's magic dust.........

[Medilloni 6]

I love the norad tracks santa site. Though I'm not sure screaming to the kids that Santa is in Egypt, he's going to be here soon, helps them get to sleep any quicker.

We always put down Santa's magical dust trail going from their bedroom door to their presents. Well actually it's gold glitter, but they don't know any different. Although after the first year we did it, we realised that you need to hoover the floor and their feet before they go downstairs, otherwise you will find glitter around for weeks afterwards and in places you didn't think it was possible to walk

What was quite funny was one time my wife was doing some craft/artworky type thing for Jack and she used the same glitter by mistake. Jack was looking at it strangely and then said, that looks just like Santa's magic dust.........

Ha! love it

[Autumnpuma 0]

Yeah, leave Mike alone Santa, he's got all he needs

Cheeky bugger

You reminded me of those little things parents do for their kids to keep the Santa thang going... though we stopped short of importing Reindeer mounds in the living room

Before the kids went to bed we left the obligatory mince pie and whiskey for the guy in red, along with a bowl of water and carrots for the Reindeer.

Once the wee ones were in bed (assisted by the amazing NORAD Santa Tracker!), we'd make mucky hoof prints in the kitchen (from a paper 'lucky horse shoe' - that's today's crafting tip..), cut the carrots up with a chip slicer for 'authentic' teeth marks, and leave a drop of the water with a bit of carrot thrown in. Corny? Lies, damn lies? Yeah, but the look of awesommenessness on their faces was unreal

So, my cheery chums, tell us your stories... what do you do in the magic hours of Christmas Eve? Apart from you Mike, we know you'll be getting your oats then

Ah, the NORAD Santa Tracker. My oldest loved it and my youngest still does. Thanks for the story, I love it! I don't do as much as you did, but we leave the traditional cookies and milk out and I make sure to wrap presents from Santa in a completely different paper from the normal gifts and add fancy ribbons to it. What's great is that my oldest daughter helps me be 'Santa' and she really seems thrilled with it.

[Saint Nick 0]

Dear Santa,

I don't really need anything. Oh, life's rough and there's not much money to go 'round these days but I'm warm, my kids are happy and my wife still jumps me from time to time. I haven't gone hungry since that one week in my 20's and there's beer in the 'fridge and whiskey in the cupboard. So all in all, I'm doing ok.

But if you could manage to have Rudolph sh!t in Med's living room, that would be fantastic. And give Andres a nuke. Right on his front lawn.

Dearest Autumnpuma,

It's always nice to hear that you are happy and content. I too occasionally still get jumped by Mrs Claus...ho ho ho hoooooooo....

Unfortunately, Rudolphs bowel motions are only controlled by him. But I am sure by the time he gets there, and having eaten lots of chocolate cake, his bowels will most certainly need moving.

Enjoy your family, and a ho ho ho hoooooo with the wife.

Merrrrry Christmas

Santa

[Saint Nick 0]

Yeah, leave Mike alone Santa, he's got all he needs

Cheeky bugger

You reminded me of those little things parents do for their kids to keep the Santa thang going... though we stopped short of importing Reindeer mounds in the living room

Before the kids went to bed we left the obligatory mince pie and whiskey for the guy in red, along with a bowl of water and carrots for the Reindeer.

Once the wee ones were in bed (assisted by the amazing NORAD Santa Tracker!), we'd make mucky hoof prints in the kitchen (from a paper 'lucky horse shoe' - that's today's crafting tip..), cut the carrots up with a chip slicer for 'authentic' teeth marks, and leave a drop of the water with a bit of carrot thrown in. Corny? Lies, damn lies? Yeah, but the look of awesommenessness on their faces was unreal

So, my cheery chums, tell us your stories... what do you do in the magic hours of Christmas Eve? Apart from you Mike, we know you'll be getting your oats then

Cheeky bugger indeed...I AM real...and the reindeer really did eat your carrots....but they left the "fake" ones....

[Saint Nick 0]

Deer Santa (I'm trying to grow out of puns, I swear),

A few questions for you:

1) Do you get sexually aroused when children sit on your lap? If so, is that kid's face trickling with his snot or your....? Further, do you have a hard time keeping a straight face whenever a little boy says "South Pole"?

My dear boy, you have a mind in the gutter, and for that, I think you shall be moved onto the naughty list...ho ho ho hum....

2) Does it bother you that your appearance's origins lie in Coca Cola's advertising campaigns from ye olde days?

My dear boy, Mrs Claus and I allowed Coca Cola to take some family portraits....I really am a Jolly Red Fellow...ho ho ho...

3) Do you ever feel like visiting a shrink on account that you don't exist? An aside: Yesterday evening, I thought I saw you in all your red, portly glory and was all set to become a believer. However, a closer inspection revealed that it was Little Red Riding Hood, heavily pregnant with the wolf's child.

My dear boy, I and Mrs Claus are saddened that you feel we are not real...we can assure you that we are....and it's time for you to believe in us again...ho ho ho

4) What's the whole idea of being secretive and sliding down chimneys? I mean you show yourself to children in malls and such places. Makes no sense to me that you'd want to be invisible in their homes. Further, what if somone mistakes you for an intruder & blows your brains out with a sawed-off shotgun? So, will you consider knocking up on children's doors?

My dear boy, the Santa's in the malls are merely my helpers. I am magical and have the ability to stop time...no one even knows I have slid down their chimney, so there is no likelihood of a sawn off shot gun being put in my face...and even so...who would shoot Santa? Hmmmm?

5) Does it depress you that you're a fat fuck? Are you even able to see your weenis? And the cold environs don't help either! Also, are you even able to reach it with your hands? If not, does an elf hold it for you when it's time for pee-pee? Do the elves take turns to do this job? Also, how is it that you never get stuck in a chimney?

My dear boy, from this outburst, Mrs Claus and I feel you should consult a psychiatric doctor and discuss your.....issues....we are sorry that your parents did not love you enough and that you have turned out this way...but we are sure that should you talk to someone about your issues, you will come to see that your parents did love you, and it's time for you to begin loving you, too....

6) How is it that your English is so fantastic? I wish I had at least a fraction of your wordsmith skills.

I speak many languages my dear boy. It is not hard...it is what I do.

7) My idea of "give & take" is : You (& my friends) give me presents, I take 'em. Does it mean I've imbibed the true Xmas spirit?

No. It means you are not a nice person, and don't deserve the friends that you have.

8) Do you (or your elves) use your beard as a wiping rag?

Ho ho ho ho. No.

9) What's the whole idea behind cutting down fir/spruce trees and decorating 'em with a gazillion trinkets? In effect, an Xmas tree is just a carcass decorated with shiny baubles. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Xmas supposed to celebrate the life (birth?) of another bearded guy? Celebrate life with a dead tree? So, don't you think a living tree looks much better? (That sad howling? That's Dogmatix crying, as is his wont.)

That was just something the marketing department came up with. Much like that other fellows marketing department.

10) Why don't you slaughter all those politically correct w#nkers who scream "Happy Holidays"? You can even use their blood to dye your suits.

Because, I am a jolly nice guy. They share the Spirit of Saint Nick...and that is alright by me.

11) Will you respond angrily or insult me for the questions above?

My dear boy...ho ho ho...and Merrrrrrrrry Christmas!

[Saint Nick 0]

I love the norad tracks santa site. Though I'm not sure screaming to the kids that Santa is in Egypt, he's going to be here soon, helps them get to sleep any quicker.

We always put down Santa's magical dust trail going from their bedroom door to their presents. Well actually it's gold glitter, but they don't know any different. Although after the first year we did it, we realised that you need to hoover the floor and their feet before they go downstairs, otherwise you will find glitter around for weeks afterwards and in places you didn't think it was possible to walk

What was quite funny was one time my wife was doing some craft/artworky type thing for Jack and she used the same glitter by mistake. Jack was looking at it strangely and then said, that looks just like Santa's magic dust.........

I was wondering where my dust had gotten to...

[AleHop 0]

Cheeky bugger indeed...I AM real...and the reindeer really did eat your carrots....but they left the "fake" ones....

Of course he's real and now I can prove it.

You're an imposter and you robbed the carrots to medilloni's family.

I don't really know what I should ask for Christmas* but I guess most TF1ers will find their baskets empty.

* Tradition in Spain is about the three wise men from the Bible.

A big one is actually hanging from my balcony at the moment.

We have to wait till January 6^th.

[Max Mosley 2]

Is that so you can buy your presents in the January sales in Britain, Alejandro?

PS: Please, when you come down the chimney (rude double entendre?) can you get that dead pigeon out? The living room stinks.

Ho Ho Ho, Argento my boy,

A calendar for you,

Filled with naughty girls,

In a pair of lace knickers, or two,

But please don't forget,

Not all girls are like that,

So again, please beware,

They're just photos in matte.

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas

Ho ho ho, Saint Nick, few

fill the forum with festive cheer,

so with jolliness we welcome you,

our new, or old, friend dear.

I want a new moderator for Christmas. Hopefully one that overmoderates particularly the most moderate ones. For instance, I will support any moderator that moderates himself (or herself) first by severe self-warning and ultimately self-banning.

I also want to vote on whether or not it is ok to ask for "all I want for Christmas". In view of the crisis, I think it's most appropriate to ask "I only want for Christmas".

Furthermore, those non-Christians around here should not be discriminated against. I propose a moderator that bans religious specific request threads.

Funny. I _laugh_!!!

[Kopite Girl 0]

Can I also have 24 hours, in a locked plush hotel room with Jensen Ackles, but he has to turn up dressed in a tuxedo.

What? You guys are the only pervy ones here?

If not Santa, don't worry old friend. A girl can dream! Merry Christmas and look out for your present under the christmas tree. The one marked Santa.