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Just because a girl who has a boyfriend decides to go for you doesn't automatically mean you should go for it. There are other considerations, too, not the least of which are the ones where there are going to be consequences to your actions that aren't going to be so good.


#5: She's Got a Crazy Boyfriend / Husband / Ex

I don't care if he's:

  • Her boyfriend,
  • Her husband, or
  • Her ex and she's totally single...

... if the guy's unstable and a mess and you know he's a problem, stay away from her. It's not worth putting yourself in a situation where a guy's going psycho because his little princess ran off and hooked up with some guy she met at a dive bar (you).

And if you think he'll never find out, you might be surprised. I received a phone call from the husband (whom I didn't know existed) of a girl I slept with sometime back. I thought she was single; turned out she was a newlywed. I've met boyfriends who gave me cold stares; they knew.

I don't know anyone personally who's had a violent run-in with a boyfriend, husband, or ex of a girl he's slept with, and I know some guys with pretty sordid pasts, but this sort of thing is something to be very wary of. If she's the kind of person who'll involve herself with a crazy violent person, too, that says something about her as well - even if she's trying her best to not let on that there might be anything wrong.

Steer clear if she's got an overly possessive man in her immediate past or present. There are thousands or millions of women in your town right now that aren't going to introduce those kinds of problems into your life, no matter how "wonderful" she might seem to be in the moment.


#6: When a Girl is Emotionally a Mess

A girl who's emotionally a mess can trigger another one of those deceptive "Ha HA! Easy pickings!" moments in many men's heads (same as an attractive man who's emotionally a mess can trigger those moments in women's), but I call that "deceptive" for a reason: girls who are emotionally a mess are not a walk in the park.

Whether you want to steal a girl like this away from her boyfriend and turn her into your girlfriend, or you're just looking for a one-time night of bliss, you're going to get a lot more than you bargained for when you date the Girl Who's a Mess™ with all her emotional baggage in tow.

What does "more" mean, exactly? Well, to put it bluntly: you're going to be listening to her problems - often, complaints about her boyfriend - and she's going to be constantly talking about what makes her unhappy. If you're good, you can tell her, "Shut up, and let's just try and have a great time and not think about our problems," but at some point - maybe before you take her to bed, maybe after - those problems are going to come back again.

She's stuck in a loop, and she'll keep returning to the things that are on her mind - and what's on her mind isn't her and you (unless you cause some problems for her that she can dwell on, that is); rather, they're her and her boyfriend, or her and how men don't treat women right, or don't treat her right, or how her parents didn't treat her right, or how someone is doing something not right to her.

Basically, she isn't in control of her life, she's going to blame everyone else for her problems, and you're either going to listen to it... or you're going to become one of those people who gets blamed for causing problems for her too.

Worth selling your soul just to partake of her charms? Unless she's exceptionally more beautiful than what you're accustomed to (and perhaps even then), the answer's a resounding "no."


#7: When a Girl Has a Boyfriend She Loves

This is the one where I'll advise you to rein in your powers of seduction to avoid wrecking a woman's life. Otherwise, your soul will turn black and cold and all hope for redemption will be lost.

Well, not necessarily, but you'll still mess her up. Just don't do this.

Why not? What happens when a girl loves her boyfriend and you manage to seduce her despite herself anyway and get her in bed? It was her decision anyway... right?

Here's the thing: most people are not REALLY in control of their lives. This is why most people fear seducers so much. Most people are floating aimlessly through life, chasing after emotions, looking for their next emotional fix, following some fleeting, vaporous sense of purpose they absorbed from church or school or society or the latest Sex and the City rerun. They don't really know who they are, they don't really know what they want, and they let other things around them influence them by impacting their emotions.

And as a seducer, what you're doing is you're impacting women's emotions.

Usually, this is a good thing: you pluck a girl out of the mediocrity that is ordinary life and give her an extraordinary experience. Maybe the two of you go on to be paramours; maybe it was just that one night that you spent together as lovers. Either way, you leave a positive, meaningful impact on a girl and she'll always look back warmly on having met you and gone away with you.

Not so for the girl you seduce who loves her boyfriend, though. That girl you're temporarily blinding to her emotions by creating other emotions in her... but then, once it's over, her love for him comes rushing back, and she's torn apart.

I haven't seen this myself - I stay far away from people who are in love, it isn't something I want to mess with - but some of my more cynical friends haven't, and I've heard some of the stories of girls coming to see them and crying over their boyfriends they love. It messes with women's heads.

For your own sake and for hers, don't date or sleep with a girl who has a boyfriend she loves. It isn't worth it.

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Let's say a girl has a boyfriend and you realize she doesn't fall into Category One or Two - she isn't a time waster or worse. She's got a man, but she isn't happy with him - she wants you. At least, you think she does. What should you do?

In this last part of the post, I want to focus on those three things you should do if you want to get together with a girl who has a boyfriend... those things that will help you to be a success.


#8: Be Refreshingly Different

Everyone falls into routine with their relationships at some point. He does his thing, and she does hers... and she gets bored. Your role as the "guy on the side" or as the new guy who's going to take the place of the boyfriend, if you want that, is to be what he is not: exciting, fresh, and different.

What that means, of course, is that the guys who try to get a girl who has a boyfriend by talking about their boring jobs and dull hobbies are even less likely to get girls than the guys who do that with single women.

That doesn't mean to be an entertainer though, either. Funny doesn't get you girls... otherwise, Bozo the Clown would be up to his eyeballs in women, instead of dogs and kids and colorful fuzzy balls. A good sense of humor and wit is fine - but you need to open her eyes and show her vistas she doesn't see in her relationship.

You must be better than her boyfriend... while maintaining sprezzatura and respecting the Law of Least Effort.

girl has a boyfriend

How do you do this?

Be calm. Be cool. Move fast. And don't be a burden. Don't complain to her, don't whine, don't seem anything more than a dream... because that's what she wants and needs you to be.

She needs solace from the drudgery of an everyday relationship with an everyday guy. You must be exceptional.

Read "The Conversationalist" and "How to Build an Emotional Connection" for more on these.


#9: Be Persistent

Some guys meet a girl with a boyfriend who is not sure whether she wants them or not. Many guys will get discouraged here and throw in the towel, when in fact had they persisted somewhat they would've gotten the girl.

You needn't be persistent in an off-putting way - you can be quite charming as you persist. e.g.:

You: Come with me, let's steal away into the night.

Her: I can't... I have a boyfriend.

You: It's okay, he'll never know.

Her: But *I'll* know.

You: So will I. We can share it together as a secret.

Her: [laughs] No!

You: I don't think you'd be laughing if you weren't interested.

Her: I'm laughing because this is ridiculous.

You: You're laughing because you're too excited to contain your laughter. Now let's go.

Her: [laughs] I am not going anywhere!

You: We'll go for five minutes and then you can leave if you want to.

Her: Okay. But ONLY five minutes!

You: Cross my heart.

Her: [laughs] Okay, let's go.

This kind of persistence can be very winning with women - very attractive to them. And if you persist with a girl persistently (sounds funny, right? Persist persistently?), and she stays around for it, you can be assured that she's at least considering it... otherwise, she'd be uncomfortable and she'd be gone.


#10: DON'T Be a Boyfriend!

You've seen it on this site again and again - don't try to be her boyfriend! This goes for single girls as well as girls in relationships. But it's DOUBLY true for attached women.

Why? A couple of reasons.

  1. Women in relationships are more attracted to single men. A recent study found that single women rated men they were told were in relationships as more attractive than men they were told were single, while women in relationships rated men they were told were single as more attractive than men they were told were in relationships.

    Why? Women who are single are looking for boyfriends - so they care if a guy's a high enough caliber that other women want to date him. Meanwhile, women in relationships are looking for flings - and those are easier to get with guys who are single than guys who are attached.
  2. If you try to be her boyfriend, you're in COMPETITION with her boyfriend. One of the most atrocious things a man can do when trying to get a girl is compete with her boyfriend. "He's no good for you," a guy might tell his prospective lover about her boyfriend. Wrong answer! When a guy says this, he's communicating that he's competing for the boyfriend role. What happens then? Now she must evaluate him and compare him to current boyfriend - investment levels and all.

    That means that even if he's slightly better than her current beau, he's still shut out because she's already so invested in the guy. He's got to be LEAGUES better... and then, of course, he's got to prove he'll be exceptional boyfriend material through multiple dates and lots of waiting. Chances are, nothing comes of these efforts, and much time is wasted. Don't go this route.

She'll be more attracted to you if you're a single rogue, and she'll be more attracted to you if you AREN'T (seemingly) interested in replacing her boyfriend... just in, say, supplementing her diet of men. If you do want her as your girlfriend, trust that she'll be far more inclined to become it once the two of you are lovers - especially if you really are a better man for her than her boyfriend is (she'll have to be the judge of that, though).

By staying away from time wasters and worse, and focusing on doing things right with the girls you like who are in relationships, you can up your odds of landing the girls of your choice - even if they happen to be with some guy not quite as great as you right now ;)

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