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lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

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Headlines From Year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world; Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Cheney's daughter has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. :blink:

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

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Weird News Headline:

Tornado hits cemetary. Thousands Dead.

<_<

Headlines From Year 2029

Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. :blink:

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

:clap3:

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I challenge any one on this forum to beat this one...............

Sato penalised 10 places on the grid for a SA engine blowout

:P:lol::clap3:

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this is one of the best jjokes i have read ever:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "****."

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So this couple want to fcuk real bad. It's night & there's a power cut. Not willing to let darkness get in the way they grope(!) their way & have a fcuk fest. Next morning, the wife's nose is all swollen. Husband asks "WTF happened?" Wife replies "You fcuked my nose in the dark." Husband asks "Why didn't you tell me to stop it?" Wife replies " How could I ? Your balls were in my mouth."

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage.

But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

The ydiscussed finances, living arrangements, snoring and so on.Finally the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

" How would you feel about s e x? " he asked, rather trustingly.

"well" she said, responding very carefully, " I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, " Was that one word or two?" :P

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage.

But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

The ydiscussed finances, living arrangements, snoring and so on.Finally the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

" How would you feel about s e x? " he asked, rather trustingly.

"well" she said, responding very carefully, " I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, " Was that one word or two?" :P

:clap3::lol:

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Fruitcake

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cup dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample whiskey to check for quality

Take a large bowl

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality

pour 1 level cup and drink

repeat

turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl

add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again

make sure the whiskey is still ok. cry another tup

turn off the mixer

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit

mix on the turner

if the fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewsciver

sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity

next sift two cups of salt or something. who cares.

check the whiskey

now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts

add one table. spoon. of sugar or something.

whatever you can find.

grease the oven.

turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

don't forget to beat the turner.

throw the bowl out the window.

check the whiskey, go to bed.

Who the **** likes fruitcake anyway

hee hee

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Lewis Hamilton.

:lol:

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

I still don't get that joke, seriously.

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:lol:

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

I still don't get that joke, seriously.

Good one, Shaggy! :lol:

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I put so much petrol in my car this morning, i couldn't get in it.

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I put so much petrol in my car this morning, i couldn't get in it.

This reminds me of a joke that went around in my childhood -

3 boys are arguing about whose parents are the craziest about cars.

Boy #1 - When my parents have sex, dad presses mum's jugs like they are horns & goes "honk honk"

Boy #2 - That's nothing. When my parents have sex, mum treats dad's dong like it's a gear shift stick.

Boy #3 - Big deal. When my parents have sex, dad puts his johnson in mum's vag & says "1 litre filled, 2 litres filled....."

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Well, unless I post crude jokes, your jokes won't appear the best of the lot. :lol:

It was for dribbler, but then I read yours and was not too sure... :D

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A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a beer.

An obviously intoxicated man sitting next to him angrily shoves him and yells:

"Last night, I fvcked yer mother! What are you going to do about it?!"

The whole bar gets quiet and expects a fight to break out, but the first man just rolls his eyes and ignores him.

The drunk man shoves him even harder and screams:

"Did you hear me??!!! I said - Last night I fvcked yer mother and I'm gonna do it again tonight!!"

The other man sighs and says:

"Dad, go home - you're drunk."

<<Polish Joke Warning>>

Did you hear about the Polish terrorists?

They tried to blow up a bus but they burned their lips on the exhaust pipes.

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