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lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

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Man on safari = Fernando

Safari = McLaren

Cannibal = Lewis

Chief = Ron

Now you really screwed it up= now you really screwed it up.

:lol::lol:

I think it would be a good idea to post the rest of the jokes using F1 drivers just like you did now.

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A husband and wife were in the process of getting a divorce and were fighting for custody of the kid.

The judge had heard arguments from all sides and just before he gives his decision he asks the father why he should give him custody.

The husband says, " Well your honour, if you put a dime in the vending machine and a cold drink comes out, Does it belong to you or the vending machine????"

Case closed

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There was a man... "Now? Now you really screwed it up"

:roll:

A man was hiking alone in the mountains when he stumbled over a cliff. He fell about 20 feet before managing to catch himself on a tree growing precariously from the rocks.

He pulled himself together and began to check out the situation. He had lost his equipment. He had sprained an ankle and cracked a couple of ribs. He was hovering 50 feet above the ground with no way to climb up or down. The man cried out for a while, "Is there anybody there? Help! I'm hurt!" But no one heard.

At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son."

"Thank you," the man yelled. "I'm injured, do you have a rope?"

"No," the great voice replyed. "But that's OK; I don't need one. I'm God."

After a few minutes of stunned silence the man stammered, "How do I know you're God?"

"You prayed silently for My help. And I came."

The man's mind raced with thoughts and questions. After a while he was convinced that God had really come to help. "I knew You were up there. I knew You would come. Thank You, God! How are You going to save me?"

"Do you have faith that I am the Great Creator and capable of anything?"

"Yes, I believe," replied the man.

"Do you have faith that I want to do what's best for you?"

"I believe!" shouted the man with great fervor.

"Good," God said. "All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and I'll send my angels to hold you and you will descend safely to the shore below."

A long silence followed. Finally the man yelled out, "Oh thank You, but is there anybody else up there?"

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:roll:

A man was hiking alone in the mountains when he stumbled over a cliff. He fell about 20 feet before managing to catch himself on a tree growing precariously from the rocks.

He pulled himself together and began to check out the situation. He had lost his equipment. He had sprained an ankle and cracked a couple of ribs. He was hovering 50 feet above the ground with no way to climb up or down. The man cried out for a while, "Is there anybody there? Help! I'm hurt!" But no one heard.

At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son."

"Thank you," the man yelled. "I'm injured, do you have a rope?"

"No," the great voice replyed. "But that's OK; I don't need one. I'm God."

After a few minutes of stunned silence the man stammered, "How do I know you're God?"

"You prayed silently for My help. And I came."

The man's mind raced with thoughts and questions. After a while he was convinced that God had really come to help. "I knew You were up there. I knew You would come. Thank You, God! How are You going to save me?"

"Do you have faith that I am the Great Creator and capable of anything?"

"Yes, I believe," replied the man.

"Do you have faith that I want to do what's best for you?"

"I believe!" shouted the man with great fervor.

"Good," God said. "All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and I'll send my angels to hold you and you will descend safely to the shore below."

A long silence followed. Finally the man yelled out, "Oh thank You, but is there anybody else up there?"

:lol: When I first heard this one I took it to ask some questions to the christians who work with me at that time, I wasn't a christian then, you brought some good memories to me and this is not a joke.

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There was this atheist (just like Cav or Murray) walking in the forrest admiring the great work done by evolution and nature, as he was walking he was constanlty praising then in a loud voice "Look how beauty are theses trees, and thoses butterflies, wonderful colors those flowers has, how great is nature and how amusing is evolution" when suddenly from behind one of those trees came out a big hungry bear, the man scared to death forgot that he was an atheist and just when the bear was about to hit him he claimed "Oh God help me" in that exact moment the bear got frozen and everything was peaceful again, the man noticed a brilliant light next to him and a voice came from the light saying "you have lived all your life denying my existence and now that you are in danger you are claming to me, do you really think I should do something for you now?" and the man said "you are riight I don't deserve anything, but please can you make the bear to become christian?" the light replied "Ok from now on the bear will be a christian" and the light went back to heaven and everything started to move again like it was before and the bear changed that agressive look and put a happy face, bent his knees down to the ground and started to pray this way "Dear lord, I thank you for this food I am about to eat..."

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An atheist would have blown the cheeky f*cking bear's brains out with a Magnum 44.

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A husband and wife were in the process of getting a divorce and were fighting for custody of the kid.

The judge had heard arguments from all sides and just before he gives his decision he asks the father why he should give him custody.

The husband says, " Well your honour, if you put a dime in the vending machine and a cold drink comes out, Does it belong to you or the vending machine????"

Case closed

Ugh! :lol:

There was this atheist (just like Cav or Murray) walking in the forrest admiring the great work done by evolution and nature, as he was walking he was constanlty praising then in a loud voice "Look how beauty are theses trees, and thoses butterflies, wonderful colors those flowers has, how great is nature and how amusing is evolution" when suddenly from behind one of those trees came out a big hungry bear, the man scared to death forgot that he was an atheist and just when the bear was about to hit him he claimed "Oh God help me" in that exact moment the bear got frozen and everything was peaceful again, the man noticed a brilliant light next to him and a voice came from the light saying "you have lived all your life denying my existence and now that you are in danger you are claming to me, do you really think I should do something for you now?" and the man said "you are riight I don't deserve anything, but please can you make the bear to become christian?" the light replied "Ok from now on the bear will be a christian" and the light went back to heaven and everything started to move again like it was before and the bear changed that agressive look and put a happy face, bent his knees down to the ground and started to pray this way "Dear lord, I thank you for this food fool I am about to eat..."

I knew that one! Doesn't it sound better changing a little something...

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The release of the new movie "The Incredible Hulk" reminds me of a sex cartoon I read years ago. It goes like this:

Bruce Banner & Betty Ross are at it. When he goes inside her, she says "I slept with your best friend. He's better than you in bed." Bruce rages & changes into the Hulk. Immediately Betty goes "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM".

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I knew that one! Doesn't it sound better changing a little something...

The changes are not intencional I heard thoses jokes in spanish and I am not that good in translation as I am in bashing Alonso.

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The changes are not intencional I heard thoses jokes in spanish and I am not that good in translation as I am bashing Alonso.

You bash Alonso whenever you translate? :eusa_think:

It should be "..as I am in.." .

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Ok, I have a couple

How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 2, but the real question is how did they get inside?

---

A girl puts a tin of muffins in the oven. As the temperature starts to raise one of the muffins yells "HELP, we are all going to die!"

Then a second muffin yells " HELP, a talking muffin!"

--

A baby seal walks into a bar, the bar tender asks what he wants, the seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"

--

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar

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Ok, I have a couple

How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 2, but the real question is how did they get inside?

---

A girl puts a tin of muffins in the oven. As the temperature starts to raise one of the muffins yells "HELP, we are all going to die!"

Then a second muffin yells " HELP, a talking muffin!"

--

A baby seal walks into a bar, the bar tender asks what he wants, the seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"

--

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar

:lol: Funny.

Surely the second muffin only would have thought?

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."

The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

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Two birds on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

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Its a bit long, but bear with it...

Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?

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I thought this joke was quite good :D

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY !!!!!!!!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy... He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .....What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!!!

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:lol::lol: That's great! Reminds me of a member we have here named Nathan ;)

:unsure::lol:

Maybe I should change my name as well???

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Some toilet graffiti -

Some come here to wash their balls, I come here to read the walls.

Your future is in your hand.

Edited. But I'd like to ask the opinion of those who did read this.

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Some toilet graffiti -

Some come here to wash their balls, I come here to read the walls.

Your future is in your hand.

Q:Why is rape impossible?

A:'cos it's easier for a woman to run with her skirt up than for a man to run with his pants down.

No offence, but that last one just isn't funny.

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Some toilet graffiti -

Some come here to wash their balls, I come here to read the walls.

Your future is in your hand.

Edited. But I'd like to ask the opinion of those who did read this.

You shouldn't have caved. In the words of Carlin:

Ohhh, some people don't like you to talk like that. Ohh, some people like to shut you up for saying those things.

You know that. Lots of people. Lots of groups in this country want to tell you how to talk; tell you what you can't talk about. Well, sometimes they'll say, well you can talk about something but you can't joke about it- say you can't joke about something because it's not funny. Comedians run into that s##t all the time. Like rape. They'll say, "you can't joke about rape. Rape's not funny."

I say, "F**k you, I think it's hilarious. How do you like that?"

I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.

And in the words of me, say what you like and b*llocks to the rest of them.

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