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lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

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A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan

officer. She says She is going to Europe on business for two weeks and

needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some

kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a

new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank Everything

checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage

and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and

this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a

multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two

weeksfor 15 bucks?"

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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:

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Real things said in court

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Real things said in court

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

HAHAHAHAHAHA :P

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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede,
(100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's
place with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from his new
Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited
a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you
like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm
putting my f*cking shoes on!'

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The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Moray. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him ?200 a week plus free room and board.?

?The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her ?150 per week plus free room and board.?

?Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about ?10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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:lol:

A man says to his friend "Guess what! I've just bought a racehorse!"

His friend replies, "Oh thats brilliant! What did you call it?"

The man says, "MY FACE!"

"Why's that?" his friend asks

"Because now I can hear the women scream COME ON....... MY FACE!"

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So this guy can't get it up. Frustrated, he prays to god to help him out. Sure 'nuff, god, ignoring the impoverished, the terrorised and the starving appears before our praying punk. He tells god, "please help me. I've never been able to get an erection so far." god replies, "ok, now whenever you want it stiff, all you got to do is clap your hands. And when you want it back to normal, just snap fingers." Overjoyed, the newly non-flaccid-d#ck guy says, "wowie! tonite i go to the whorehouse & make 'em biatches moan in ecstacy!!" god takes leave. later that night, god's curious to find out how our hero's doing. So he swoops down upon the whorehouse. and guess what? god hears "clap, snap, clap, snap, clap, snap, clap, snap....."

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Bernie's on form...

Q & A with Bernie Ecclestone

By Jonathan Noble Friday, September 26th 2008, 11:07 GMT

Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone's vision for a night race will be realised this weekend when Singapore hosts its first grand prix.

Ecclestone is delighted with what he has seen in Singapore so far, and paid an impromptu visit to the media centre before first practice got underway in the evening.

Autosport.com spoke to Ecclestone as he revealed to a few journalists his thoughts on the weekend - before some characteristic cheeky responses to questions about the rain, next year's summer break and the future of the Delhi GP.

Q. Bernie, are you worried about the prospects of rain here?

Bernie Ecclestone: No. I've got an umbrella, so no drama.

Q. Are night races the future for Formula One?

BE: No. Only where it is necessary in this part of the world, for sure.

Q. Mario Theissen says this race will be the highlight of the year. Do you agree?

BE: Let's wait and see. Afterwards is better to say these things, rather than before.

Q. Are you excited to see cars running?

BE: Yeah, I think it will be good. I am anxious to see what it looks like on television. That is what we have done before, so let's hope it works.

Q. Is the summer break coming back into next year's calendar?

BE: Why is that?

Q. Well, the teams are after a three-week break in the calendar?

BE: Are you going away or something?

Q. I hope so. Is there any movement on this front?

BE: It is jerky, any movement. It is a very jerky movement.

Q. So it is going to happen?

BE: I don't know. Let's have a look.

Q. Well, is Turkey going to move?

BE: I've no idea. Move where, move to Iraq?

Q. No to Europe would be better...

BE: It's half Europe and half outside.

Q. Do you want a summer break next year?

BE: No.

Q. You don't want a holiday then?

BE: I just don't go to the races, that is all...No seriously, I am going to do something. We will do something. I don't know what I am going to do.

Q. Have you driven around the circuit here?

BE: No. I am going in a minute.

Q. Sorry if I missed it, but is there an update on what is happening with Delhi?

BE: Sorry, you missed what?

Q. I came into this a bit late?

BE: Came into where?

Q. Into the conversation.

BE: We haven't spoken about Delhi, so you haven't missed anything.

Q. So, are there any updates there?

BE: It is all going on as usual, these things take time.

Q. So will it be 2010?

BE: 2011 is what I want.

Q. Is the night race a dream for you?

BE: Yes. I think this is going to be good.

Q. And what is your next dream?

BE: I mustn't tell you. My wife will go mad.

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Ok...I'm sick of lame jokes, lame races, lame arguments.

So...let's bring some porn!!!!!!!!!!

Oh...yeah...

:lolroll:

:dj::controller::teeth:

edit: the dj icon doesn't work...

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Found this on another forum:

A teacher is teaching a class of 5th graders. So the Teachers ask "If there are 5 birds and one gets shot how many are left?" So little johnny responds with "None cuz once they here the gun shot they fly away." The teacher replies with "Wrong Johnny, their are 4 left. However I like the way you think." Then Johnny say "I got a question for you teacher. If there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. The first one is licking her ice cream, the second has shoved the ice cream in her mouth and gnaws on it, The third bite her ice cream." Then Johnny says "Which of the three women is married?" The teacher blushes and replies "The one that shoves the ice cream in her mouth." Little Johnny replies "WRONG!!! its the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

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There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

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There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

:lmavfa::snigger:

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There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

:lol:

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Ok this is a true story told to me by a friend who used to be in the army.

Two of the soldiers are on patrol duty and they decide to amuse themselves by taking pot shots at the Sergeant Major with an air rifle.............but they get caught and a hearing ensues.

SM: Is it true, that you were taking shots at me with an air rifle?

Soldier: Yes, Sir.

SM: And why were you taking pot shots at me with an air rifle?

Soldier: I though you were a rabbit, Sir.

SM: If you could just answer the question once again, just so I have it clear.............why were you taking pot shots at me with an air rifle?

Soldier: I thought you were a rabbit, Sir.

SM: And how many 6ft rabbits wearing ****ing combats do you know?

Soldier: Not many, Sir, but to be fair, I didn't see all of you, Sir.

SM: Oh really? And which bit of me did you see?

Soldier: The part of you that looked like a rabbit, Sir.

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Ok this is a true story told to me by a friend who used to be in the army.

Two of the soldiers are on patrol duty and they decide to amuse themselves by taking pot shots at the Sergeant Major with an air rifle.............but they get caught and a hearing ensues.

SM: Is it true, that you were taking shots at me with an air rifle?

Soldier: Yes, Sir.

SM: And why were you taking pot shots at me with an air rifle?

Soldier: I though you were a rabbit, Sir.

SM: If you could just answer the question once again, just so I have it clear.............why were you taking pot shots at me with an air rifle?

Soldier: I thought you were a rabbit, Sir.

SM: And how many 6ft rabbits wearing ****ing combats do you know?

Soldier: Not many, Sir, but to be fair, I didn't see all of you, Sir.

SM: Oh really? And which bit of me did you see?

Soldier: The part of you that looked like a rabbit, Sir.

:lol:

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Man goes to the doctor.

Man: "I think I'm a moth!"

Doctor: "you need a psychiatrist, not a doctor"

Man: "I know"

Doctor: "so why are you here?"

Man: "your light was on"

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Man goes to the doctor.

Man: "I think I'm a moth!"

Doctor: "you need a psychiatrist, not a doctor"

Man: "I know"

Doctor: "so why are you here?"

Man: "your light was on"

:lol:

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There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

:lol::lol:

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