DarkLord 0 Report post Posted March 29, 2010 This question has been bugging me for ages. Could someone please be kind enough to answer this? Please????? If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they cannot have a headache and $ex at the same time? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kopite Girl 0 Report post Posted March 29, 2010 Maybe there's just too much banging. Headaches. Indeed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 14, 2010 So, this one day, I finally mustered the courage to do it, and decided to avail the services of a ho. We stripped off until we were naked-er than a newborn baby. It being my first time, and that too with a ho, I blurted out nervously, "Are you free of STDs? No filthy, angstrom-sized vermin in there?" She replied, "Of course, I'm perfectly healthy! I've been lucky not to get any STDs so far and hope to remain like that!", and proceeded to grab my 'Scepter of passion'*, where upon she exclaimed with a laugh, "Touch wood!" *Courtesy of Nabokov. No, you dirty mind, I mean he gave me the phrase, not what you're thinking of. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Persevere 0 Report post Posted May 15, 2010 So, this one day, I finally mustered the courage to do it, and decided to avail the services of a ho. We stripped off until we were naked-er than a newborn baby. It being my first time, and that too with a ho, I blurted out nervously, "Are you free of STDs? No filthy, angstrom-sized vermin in there?" She replied, "Of course, I'm perfectly healthy! I've been lucky not to get any STDs so far and hope to remain like that!", and proceeded to grab my 'Scepter of passion'*, where upon she exclaimed with a laugh, "Touch wood!" *Courtesy of Nabokov. No, you dirty mind, I mean he gave me the phrase, not what you're thinking of. Ah, Jay, leave it to you to work prose master Nabokov into your twisted humor. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DarkLord 0 Report post Posted May 15, 2010 I often joke that my wife is too fat to have sex with. I call her, "missionary impossible." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DarkLord 0 Report post Posted May 15, 2010 Took a day off today to do nothing but read. Suddenly, something stuck me. English has changed over the last few years. When I was 10 years old - "Rubber" meant an "Eraser", "a##" meant a "Donkey", "c#ck" meant a "Rooster", "Gay" meant "Happy", "Straight" meant "Linear", "Screw" meant "Fastener", "Making out" meant "Logical Deduction", "Ramming" meant "Compacting", "Laying" ...meant "Setting aside", "Stag" meant a "Male Deer", "Tit" was always..... for a "Tat", "Jacking" always referred to a "Flat tyre", "But" always meant anything but "butt" ......English has certainly changed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Argento Reloaded 1 Report post Posted May 15, 2010 Some guy ent to the doctor to find out how dangerous is his illnes. doctor: "well you´re in a very bad condition. i think you have only a week of life" guy: "Oh. nooooooo! What can I doooo" doctor: "move with your mother in law and it will feel like an eternity!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freaky2 1 Report post Posted May 16, 2010 - My doctor told me I had only three months to live. - Oh, no! And what did you do? - I told him I couldn't pay him in less than 6 months, so he extended it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 17, 2010 How does a dyslexic guy react to misfortune? "This happens." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Piotr 0 Report post Posted May 17, 2010 How does a dyslexic guy react to misfortune? "This happens." What does a dyslexic atheistic insomniac do? He stays up all night arguing there is no Dog... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 17, 2010 What does a dyslexic atheistic insomniac do? He stays up all night arguing there is no Dog... I thought it went, "Is there a dog?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 17, 2010 What does a dyslexic atheistic insomniac do? He stays up all night arguing there is no Dog... Shit dude, it just struck me that that guy is questioning my existence. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 17, 2010 Politically incorrect: Q: Why can't Muslims inculcate a habit of saving money? A: 'cos it's unholy to have piggy banks. Jesus certainly isn't of a pleasant disposition. In fact, he's quite cross all the time. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet One 15 Report post Posted May 19, 2010 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AleHop 0 Report post Posted May 19, 2010 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" I thought you were going to ask for a chicken sandwich. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 19, 2010 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" So, now it's clear how this place manages to splatter dollops of mayonnaise on the sandwiches. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Autumnpuma 0 Report post Posted May 19, 2010 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dribbler 6 Report post Posted May 20, 2010 Two gay Muslims exploded in central London last night, whilst having sex. Police believe they were suicide bummers. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 21, 2010 If a hippie were to have written the Shariah, getting stoned to death would have meant being made to smoke a million doobies non-stop. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 23, 2010 A few years ago, when stupid hotheads all over the world were violently protesting the Prophet cartoons, I came across this picture of a protester in London holding a placard. I got extremely angry and felt like killing him when I read what it said: Europe, your extermination is on it's way. I admit I couldn't bear the damn apostrophe. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 23, 2010 Heard about the pest exterminator who also indulges in unsafe sex? He's a bugchaser, indeed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Persevere 0 Report post Posted May 23, 2010 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" ...mmmm, dollops of mayonnaise. Oh, sh#t, wait a minute. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JHS 1 Report post Posted May 23, 2010 Here's one I've stolen from a friend. "Apple has just scrapped plans for a new children's iPod. Apparently, the 'Itouch Kids' wasn't such a good idea." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Persevere 0 Report post Posted May 23, 2010 A few years ago, when stupid hotheads all over the world were violently protesting the Prophet cartoons, I came across this picture of a protester in London holding a placard. I got extremely angry and felt like killing him when I read what it said: Europe, your extermination is on it's way. I admit I couldn't bear the damn apostrophe. Non-Forum members couldn't possibly appreciate this coming from you, Jay. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LabradoRacer 2 Report post Posted May 25, 2010 Recently, I went to Thailand(or was it Vietnam? Damn these chinks panheads gooks slant-eyes South East Asians all look the same). Had to suffer the ignominy of losing a table tennis match to a woman. Well, actually it wasn't losing to a female that rankled me. It was that she wasn't even using her hands. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites