lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

431 posts in this topic


This one is for Piotr:

A polish guy went for a vision test.

Doctor: Can you read this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
this is one of the best jjokes i have read ever:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "****." :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This one is for Piotr:

A polish guy went for a vision test.

Doctor: Can you read this "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" ?

Polish Guy: read?... I know this guy!

:lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

a recist one.

A black student has the opportunity to become the best student ever at Harvard. He is competing with 2 other white students. The university take an unprecedent decision: the one who answer a question will take the honors.

Student 1 (white): how many people live at Argentina?

Answer: 41.000.000

"correct"

Student 2 (also white): How many people live at USA?

Answer: 200.000.000

"correct"

Student 3 (black): How many people live at China?

Answer: 1.100.000.000

"give me names!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This one is for Piotr:

A polish guy went for a vision test.

Doctor: Can you read this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the c#ckpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the c#ckpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you guys tried to watch a XXX movie in 3x, er, fast-forward mode? Trust me, you'll be laughing your a## off.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I could never understand what my Uncle did for a living when I was little. I think he was a ventriloquist because he used to shove two fingers up my arse and tell me to keep my mouth shut.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

:lol::lol: Did you see the song "Weapon of choice"?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I could never understand what my Uncle did for a living when I was little. I think he was a ventriloquist because he used to shove two fingers up my arse and tell me to keep my mouth shut.

ROFLMAO

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife asked me for a rape alarm. I drugged her before bedtime. At 6am I f*cked her up the arse and said "honey, it's time to get up".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My wife asked me for a rape alarm. I drugged her before bedtime. At 6am I f*cked her up the arse and said "honey, it's time to get up".

Who woke you up at 6? And how?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the c#ckpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the c#ckpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die...

:lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This one is for Piotr:

A polish guy went for a vision test.

Doctor: Can you read this "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" ?

Polish Guy: read?... I know this guy!

:lol::lol: I loved this one!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rules of the Universe

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in

a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice

person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so

good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your

differences. Love each other.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist

change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks

before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a

mistake when you make it again.

20. by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real

world.

23. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never

want you to share yours with them. (This one is so true)

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife.

29. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling

reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby

emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,

gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep

down we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur

built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So 3 heads of state (to hell with timeline), let's say, Tony Blair, Silvio Berlusconi, George Bush (of course!) meet Benazir Bhutto, another head of state. Benazir says, "I'll give head(that word!) to each one of you for $10 million each." Blair goes first. The moment Benazir's got his schlong in her mouth, she threatens, "Make it $20 million else I'll bite it off." Scared s##tless, Blair agrees. Same thing happens with the Italian lothario. Now, it's Dubya's turn, & sure 'nuff she issues the same threat to him. He ponders for a minute, then replies, "Make it $5 million or I'll p**s in your mouth."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rules of the Universe

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in

a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice

person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so

good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your

differences. Love each other.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist

change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks

before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a

mistake when you make it again.

20. by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real

world.

23. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never

want you to share yours with them. (This one is so true)

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife.

29. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling

reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby

emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,

gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep

down we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur

built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

Nice ones Schumikenon :)

Edited by goferrarigo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now