lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

431 posts in this topic

This question has been bugging me for ages. Could someone please be kind enough to answer this? Please?????

If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they cannot have a headache and $ex at the same time?

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:lol: Maybe there's just too much banging. Headaches. Indeed.

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So, this one day, I finally mustered the courage to do it, and decided to avail the services of a ho. We stripped off until we were naked-er than a newborn baby. It being my first time, and that too with a ho, I blurted out nervously, "Are you free of STDs? No filthy, angstrom-sized vermin in there?" She replied, "Of course, I'm perfectly healthy! I've been lucky not to get any STDs so far and hope to remain like that!", and proceeded to grab my 'Scepter of passion'*, where upon she exclaimed with a laugh, "Touch wood!"

*Courtesy of Nabokov. No, you dirty mind, I mean he gave me the phrase, not what you're thinking of.

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So, this one day, I finally mustered the courage to do it, and decided to avail the services of a ho. We stripped off until we were naked-er than a newborn baby. It being my first time, and that too with a ho, I blurted out nervously, "Are you free of STDs? No filthy, angstrom-sized vermin in there?" She replied, "Of course, I'm perfectly healthy! I've been lucky not to get any STDs so far and hope to remain like that!", and proceeded to grab my 'Scepter of passion'*, where upon she exclaimed with a laugh, "Touch wood!"

*Courtesy of Nabokov. No, you dirty mind, I mean he gave me the phrase, not what you're thinking of.

Ah, Jay, leave it to you to work prose master Nabokov into your twisted humor. :thbup:

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I often joke that my wife is too fat to have sex with.

I call her, "missionary impossible."

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Took a day off today to do nothing but read. Suddenly, something stuck me. English has changed over the last few years. When I was 10 years old -

"Rubber" meant an "Eraser", "a##" meant a "Donkey", "c#ck" meant a "Rooster", "Gay" meant "Happy", "Straight" meant "Linear", "Screw" meant "Fastener", "Making out" meant "Logical Deduction", "Ramming" meant "Compacting", "Laying" ...meant "Setting aside", "Stag" meant a "Male Deer", "Tit" was always..... for a "Tat", "Jacking" always referred to a "Flat tyre", "But" always meant anything but "butt"

......English has certainly changed. :D

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Some guy ent to the doctor to find out how dangerous is his illnes.

doctor: "well you´re in a very bad condition. i think you have only a week of life"

guy: "Oh. nooooooo! What can I doooo"

doctor: "move with your mother in law and it will feel like an eternity!"

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- My doctor told me I had only three months to live.

- Oh, no! And what did you do?

- I told him I couldn't pay him in less than 6 months, so he extended it.

:D

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How does a dyslexic guy react to misfortune?

"This happens."

What does a dyslexic atheistic insomniac do?

He stays up all night arguing there is no Dog...

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What does a dyslexic atheistic insomniac do?

He stays up all night arguing there is no Dog...

I thought it went, "Is there a dog?"

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What does a dyslexic atheistic insomniac do?

He stays up all night arguing there is no Dog...

Shit dude, it just struck me that that guy is questioning my existence.

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Politically incorrect:

Q: Why can't Muslims inculcate a habit of saving money?

A: 'cos it's unholy to have piggy banks.

Jesus certainly isn't of a pleasant disposition. In fact, he's quite cross all the time.

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

laugh.gif

I thought you were going to ask for a chicken sandwich. biggrin.gif

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

So, now it's clear how this place manages to splatter dollops of mayonnaise on the sandwiches.

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

:eusa_think:

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Two gay Muslims exploded in central London last night, whilst having sex. Police believe they were suicide bummers.

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If a hippie were to have written the Shariah, getting stoned to death would have meant being made to smoke a million doobies non-stop.

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A few years ago, when stupid hotheads all over the world were violently protesting the Prophet cartoons, I came across this picture of a protester in London holding a placard. I got extremely angry and felt like killing him when I read what it said:

Europe, your extermination is on it's way.

I admit I couldn't bear the damn apostrophe.

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

:clap3:

...mmmm, dollops of mayonnaise. Oh, sh#t, wait a minute.

Edited by Persevere

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Here's one I've stolen from a friend.

"Apple has just scrapped plans for a new children's iPod. Apparently, the 'Itouch Kids' wasn't such a good idea."

Edited by JHS

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A few years ago, when stupid hotheads all over the world were violently protesting the Prophet cartoons, I came across this picture of a protester in London holding a placard. I got extremely angry and felt like killing him when I read what it said:

Europe, your extermination is on it's way.

I admit I couldn't bear the damn apostrophe.

:rolleyes: Non-Forum members couldn't possibly appreciate this coming from you, Jay.

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Recently, I went to Thailand(or was it Vietnam? Damn these chinks panheads gooks slant-eyes South East Asians all look the same). Had to suffer the ignominy of losing a table tennis match to a woman. Well, actually it wasn't losing to a female that rankled me. It was that she wasn't even using her hands.

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