lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

431 posts in this topic

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call her and tell her.

What's the difference between love and aids?

Aids lasts forever.

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Right now, I've got amnesia and deja vu. I think I've forgotten this before.

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A friend sent me this joke today:

England vs. Argentina football match. Messi tells his mates, "You guys are tired. Why don't you take the night off & I'll play alone?" The Argentine players decide to go along with his suggestion. The match begins & the Arg players troop out to the bar. Return at half time to see the score. It's 1-0 in Arg's favour. Messi had scored in the 37th minute. The Arg players pat him on the back & return to the bar. Return to the stadium after the match is over. The score is 1-1. Lampard had scored in the 85th minute. Messi's in the dressing room, sitting disconsolately with his head in his hands. His mates try to cheer him up, "C'mon, you single-handedly held them to a draw!" Messi replies, "You don't understand. I was sent off in the 60th minute."

Good, but Cappello still UK Head Coach isa better joke!!!!

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Every one of my jobs was emotionally taxing. Y'see, every one of 'em bored me to tears.

Men, who says you've to shell out a bomb to gift your girlfriend bling-bling? It costs you absolutely nothing to give her a dazzling pearl necklace.

This guy, who was born in grinding poverty and yet went on to become a wealthy pimp, is coming out with his autobiography. It's titled "From Rags to Bitches".

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I walked into the bar and said to the barman "who owns the black BMW outside? they have left their lights on". He replied "it belongs to the guy in the corner, playing the piano". I walked over to him and said "excuse me mate, do you know you have left your lights on?" He said "I don't know, hum it".

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@Steve, the old "if you hum a few bars" joke... I understood it just a few months back.

On a recent trip to youporn (not to fap, but to laugh & forget my depression for a few moments at least) stumbled across "gyno" videos. The videos are funny of course, considering the gynaecologist (spelling?) examines the women in detail, peppering his examination with things like inserting a thermometer into their... well, anyway, the comments by a guy named "Con-naisseur" on the gyno videos are hilarious. Sample these:

1) She got off lightly - apart from the patter, pretty much what it's like I believe.

Very few male doctors get to do this though.

2) Very educational about what goes on - my wife had something like this last week, perhaps not quite so thorough, and performed by a lady.

If men can do this, it's time for me to retrain.

3) Apart from a bit of wear-and-tear on her right tit, all seems to be in working order, and she seems very supple for her age.

Can I shag her senseless now please?

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In Japan, few streets have names.

Decades ago, I was surprised by this and asked a Japanese friend how the heck people found their way about. He thought about it for a moment and replied: "Can't say... but it does explain why loony bins are full of mailmen".

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So these 3 kids are arguing over whose gramma has the saggiest tits.

Says the 1st kid, "My granny's tits sag so much that if she wishes to flash 'em (no doubt for guys like me), she just has to pull up her shirt an inch above the navel."

2nd kid, "That's nothing. My granny flashes hers by pulling up her skirt an inch above her knees."

3rd kid, "Oh yeah? My granny flashes hers by removing the socks from her feet."

And old gramma would like to commit suicide, so he bought a pistol and ask to her doctor, "hey doc. where is the heart -trying find the exctly place in order to avoid a failure-"

- "Right behind your left tit" - he told her

- "ok doc." she replied

-... and then she blew out her knee!!!!!

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A joke from my school days (about 1990-ish): An angry man stomps into a bakery shop. He shouts, "What fucking cookies and donuts are these? I found both of 'em containing hair!" The guy manning the shop calmly replies, "Oh, the baker kneads the cookie dough into shape by pressing it in his armpits. Hence the hair." Angry customer asks, "Well, what about the donuts?" Response: "Oh well, the baker makes the donut shape by pressing the dough on his hard-on."

Truth is, such jokes are better told in person, acting out everything in the joke (with plenty of expletives, say about 8 for every 10 clean words), much to the discomfiture of hoity-toity friends. For example, in the case of this joke, when you come to the punch line, you don't say a word. You simply thrust your pelvis forward, make a ring with your index finger & thumb, and move the ring on your virtual hard-on. Oh yes, it's to be done whilst contorting your face wildly. The fun part is when your embarrassed friend tries to run away, shouting to the public, "I don't know him! I'm not with him!" Even though you're laughing hard, you've to run behind your friend and cling on to him/her to add to his discomfiture.

Sigh, I miss those days.

Edited by LabradoRacer

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Jay: The Forum has been a quieter, ummm, lesser errr, SAFER place in your absence.

But we're glad to see you back anyway. :)

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Came across this joke:

A boy wants to celebrates his 13th birthday by popping his cherry. But he doesn't have any money. So he takes his duck (yes, a living pet duck) & goes to the whorehouse (ho-house? ho-use?). He requests one of the hos to accept the duck as "payment" and have sex with him (the boy, that is, not the duck). She agrees. Despite it being his first time, he gives it to her hard & good. Overjoyed by her orgasm, the ho now requests him to have sex with her, adding that if he does so, he can have his duck back. The boy agrees & they get it on again.

As the boy's walking home with the duck, he's thinking how it's been the best-est b'day ever. Alas, a truck runs over his duck. The boy starts crying inconsolably. The truck driver feels sorry for him & gives him $2 for the dead duck. The new ex-virgin accepts it gleefully. When he reaches home, he exclaims, "Hey, dad, guess what! I got a fuck for a duck, then I got a duck for a fuck, and finally I got 2 bucks for a fucked-up duck!"

*****************

A friend of mine had recently set her Facebook status to : "....wishes God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well." I responded: "God doesn't hide a woman's talents, her clothes do."

Edited by LabradoRacer

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:lol:

Great joke and very good comeback. I laughed hard at that. Cheers JD.

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Three words to destroy a mans ego

Is it in?

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Why do men pay more car insurance?

Because women don't get blow jobs when they're driving.

A woman just gave birth to son number 11. Her friend asks what she is going to call him.

She responds 'Joe'

Her friend, startled says 'but the other ten are also called Joe'

'i know but its much easier for me i can just say joe put the kettle on or joe can you fetch me my glasses'

'But what if you need a specific joe?'

'That's alright' she says. 'i'll just call them by their last name'

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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

That reminds me - did you see the movie 'Gozu' yet? I had told you to see it, a long time back. And the reason I was reminded of it -

This yakuza boss character in the movie has a strange problem: he can't get a hard-on unless he inserts a ladle in his a##. And in one particular scene, he's about to force himself on a woman, when the hero bursts in and punches him. The boss staggers back and falls on the floor on his bums. The inserted ladle goes deep inside & makes him ejaculate before killing him. I nearly died laughing at that scene.

But make no mistake, the movie's an amazing absurdist horror movie.

Edited by LabradoRacer

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Most videogames have scripted moments. For example, a character mouths a certain line or reacts in a particular way only if you walk to a certain point,. It so happened I was playing "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas". I had to cap this punk who was spraying graffiti. Instead of walking up to him, I chose to drive a car at full speed, pointed it at him & jumped out before it ran over him. I waited at a distance until he had bled enough to paint the car scarlet red 30 times over. Assured that he was dead, I walked up to him. Guess what? The scripted moment swung into action, and I heard the dead punk scream, "What the fuck?!"

Edited by LabradoRacer

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