lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

431 posts in this topic


To be fair, I didn't get that one either.

My excuse is that there were only 3 drivers when I first heard the joke. Hard to keep up with all of these Scottish town additions. Next thing someone will be telling me that there is a town in the Highlands called Buemi or something..... <_<

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A teacher asks 10 year old Chloe what comes after "69".

"Well miss, my mum said a good shower and plenty of Listerine usually does the trick."

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A teacher asks 10 year old Chloe what comes after "69".

"Well miss, my mum said a good shower and plenty of Listerine usually does the trick."

:lol::lol:

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There are these three guys in a desert dying of starvation and dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! HUGHIE. ROWF."

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die soon. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

********************************************************************************

**********************************************

Dear Mr. Advice,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

Ahh. Perspective :lol:

Edited by medilloni

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:lol::lol:

Love those Meds!

Ta, I'm still giggling over the last one - it fits the sort of thing a friend of mine would do down to the, er, tee. :lol: Anyway, there's more......

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girl

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The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis

was larger than the shaft.

After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason that the head was

larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.

After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the

head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that

it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

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Bob, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar late one evening.

He sits down next to a blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news is coming on. The news crew is covering a story

of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Bob and asks, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replies, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob places a $20 bill on the bar and says, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde places her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge

does a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde is very upset, but willingly hands her $20 to Bob,

saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replies, 'I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM

news, so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replies, 'I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

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Giuseppe is in this country for only 6 months.

He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...

it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and

as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Giuseppe answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance,

and after a few minutes he asks,' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new

$300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,

Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.'

Giuseppe gasps,

'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my

$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

:lol::lol:

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A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!

That's it, I'm off for me dinner - I got them from www.office-humour.co.uk , enjoy ;)

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Giuseppe is in this country for only 6 months.

He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...

it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and

as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Giuseppe answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance,

and after a few minutes he asks,' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new

$300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,

Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.'

Giuseppe gasps,

'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my

$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

:lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: LMAO

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The train was quite crowded, a U.S.Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'I'm horrified. Someone must defend my honour and put this American in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

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Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those." The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere. A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

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An irishman in American spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out it ..

He phones the bomb squad and tells them about the sandwich with wires.sticking out of it..

The bomb expert asks "is it ticking" no says the irishman , "it's beef"

:rolleyes:

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it.

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ' Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

:D

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The Lady Reporter: 'Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?'

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: 'Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?'

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): 'Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?'

Farmer: 'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?'

Reporter: 'Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?'

Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?'

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And last of all, one for Martin Brundle:

A new EU initiative has decided that you are not to use the term Pikey any longer.

You must use the phrase, 'Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers

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It's Friday, and time we learned to speak proper English, like. :P Have a great weekend one and all........

Extracts of letters written to councils in the UK (in the UK it's sometimes possible to rent a house or apartment from the local council - they are responsible for maintenance, in case you were wondering...)

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road.. Every morning at 6am his c0ck wakes me up and it's now getting too much For me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17..Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. [a tv channel]

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

:lol:

Edited by medilloni

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