lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

431 posts in this topic

Bah, I was being tight, have another.........

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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Well bugger me with a yard brush, it's Friday again, time for yer medicine :lol:

WARNING: It's a long one (WAHEY!) and I only like jokes like these 'cos they're so close to the effing truth.....................

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the

meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this."

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or

her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious

persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer

now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors,

lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated

smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the

main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it

..................... Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's

nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No

harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They

won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Sir."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a

barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse

even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral

by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in

the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't

let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want

anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and

tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being

charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There're a couple of

legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this

stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you

saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,

sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case, kiss me. Hardy"

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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

'If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.' :ph34r:

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:lol:

A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus!! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!............

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

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Think these might be on the site somewhere, but I can't be arsed searching and it's time to spread the lurve........ Happy Nearly Easter!

Commentators 'oops' moments

1.Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her

mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' :lol:

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! :roll:

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' :laughing:

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

:rofl:

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Boss : Where were you born ?

sardar : Punjab.

Boss : which part ?

sardar : what which part ? Whole body born in punjab!!

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Where've you been meds?? Funny jokes, I also remember Ricard Branson saying something after the Oz GP thst's quite funny, "It was a great race & being in the company of these Virgin girls" :lol: !

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Where've you been meds?? Funny jokes, I also remember Ricard Branson saying something after the Oz GP thst's quite funny, "It was a great race & being in the company of these Virgin girls" :lol: !

I've not been away Mika, just posting in the intelligentsia threads, but only 'cos I thought it had something to do with genitals. ;)

I'm finding myself drawn to the tech forums more these days, it's good to catch up with the new rules - dammit, times like this is when Bajo and Mike (Autumnpuma) et al are sadly missed.....

Yeah, I liked Branson's, "I'm just a lucky barsteward" comment, because he isn't, he's an intelligent bloke and works his nuts off.

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Boss : Where were you born ?

sardar : Punjab.

Boss : which part ?

sardar : what which part ? Whole body born in punjab!!

hahaha! that's funny

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Man walks into an adult store:

Salesman: What do you want?

Man: Inflatable doll.

Salesman: Male or female?

Man: Female

Salesman: Black or white?

Man: White

Salesman: Christian or Muslim?

Man: Why does it matter?

Salesman: The Muslim one blows itself up!

Thats ****ing offensive

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Thats ****ing offensive

And I care why?

Freedom of speech is a B-E-A-UTIFUL thing.

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AR5 has turned into a bit of a psycho lately so don't be easily offended by him! I was when he threatned me hoping my children (if any) get lupus! Luckily he was being sarcastic, right??

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AR5 has turned into a bit of a psycho lately so don't be easily offended by him! I was when he threatned me hoping my children (if any) get lupus! Luckily he was being sarcastic, right??

Yeah, I was being sarcastic. I tend to wish evil upon people at my own whim.

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Thats ****ing offensive

Look, my mum is a Muslim lesbian and has lepracy. She laughed her scabby black tits off at that joke, why can't you?

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Look, my mum is a Muslim lesbian and has lepracy. She laughed her scabby black tits off at that joke, why can't you?
I don't know whether to laugh or puke!

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And I care why?

Freedom of speech is a B-E-A-UTIFUL thing.

Only if you are speaking against Christians and the West. Everything else is off-limits!!

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Welcome to Mythbusters. This week: The Holocaust.

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1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).

2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.

3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.

5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.

6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-ring

* The Endu-ring

9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!

13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

15) Conversations between son & father:

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE

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