Jokes

[Max Mosley 2]

Very good, chaps.

[goferrarigo 0]

I'm having amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. I just get the feeling i have forgotten about this before.

good one

[goferrarigo 0]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George sks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/3 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/3 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?

EDIT:- No offense meant to Bush or any Americans.

[AutoRacer5 0]

A president can win the popular vote but lose the election, its the electoral college that selects the president.

[Shane2 0]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George sks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/3 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/3 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?

EDIT:- No offense meant to Bush or any Americans.

that was good

[Max Mosley 2]

Awesome! Bush is so funny.

[suomenpankki 0]

hmm...welcome to Finland

Real, authentic Finnish menus from restaurants:

Shrimp and crap salad for two

You can have crap on your pizza

Tepid chicken salad with bread

We give you water only when you ask

(Caf

[goferrarigo 0]

lesson learnt:- stay away from finland..

[Max Mosley 2]

And they would have you believe British cooking is bad

[Kennye 0]

goferrarigo No offense taken with the Bush joke, thought it was funny myself.

Here are a few I have heard, this last one is LONG, but get the tissues ready and make sure you go to the bathroom first... You have been warned!!!

A woman found a magic bottle and rubbed it. A genie appeared. The woman said, "Oh, now you'll grant me three wishes!" The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f**king map again."

************************************************************

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man:

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

*********************************************

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and

asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

**********************************************************

Sent to me by a gal that wanted to share....

===

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It

[goferrarigo 0]

last one is pretty funny. I have another one about anger management. which i shall post in some time.

[Max Mosley 2]

Yeah they're all good. The Katz one and last one especially. Cheers.

[Loser Boy 0]

Knock,knock.

Who?

Right.

What the hell?Who's there?

Right again.

Tell me your name or I'll blow your brains out.

John Woo. *

* Replacable by Hu Jintao also.

[Argento Reloaded 1]

This one is for our girls Kay Zee, Girlracer, Kathy and all the other girls members of the forum:

Why did the man was created?

Because dildos can

[pumpdoc 2]

[Loser Boy 0]

You are protesting against Argento's mangled English?

[Max Mosley 2]

Well imo his sense of humour more than makes up for it.

[Loser Boy 0]

Well imo his sense of humour more than makes up for it.

Indeed.

[Max Mosley 2]

Quite, old boy.

[Loser Boy 0]

This happened way back in 92/93,when I was in school. An English class was going on. The teacher came upon the word "piglet" in the lesson she was teaching us. She took the pain of telling us that "piglet" is the baby of a pig. To ram home the point ,she gave another example "eagle --> eaglet". A wise guy from the backbenches shouted "toy --> toilet".

[Medilloni 6]

THE CHAV NATIVITY:

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.

She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper.

I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.

Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?

To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh?

Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees.

You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think

I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref.......

.......an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

[goferrarigo 0]

Here is the anger Management joke i had said i would give:

It is a bit long but definatly worth your read.trust me on this one

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a little long but it is funny Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to

take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,

take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd

forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man

answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin

Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe

that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had

transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After

hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an

*bunghole*!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*bunghole*' next to it, and

put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was

paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,

"You're an *bunghole*!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic

'*bunghole*' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number

and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID

Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an

*bunghole*!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a

parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled

into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and

yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored

me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I

wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first *bunghole* (I

had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the

BMW *bunghole*, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and

the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *bunghole*." Then I hung up, and added his number

to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two

a##holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable

as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called *bunghole*

#1.

"Hello."

"You're an *bunghole*!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*bunghole*, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with

my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better

start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *bunghole*."

Then I called *bunghole* #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *bunghole*," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your *arrogant cornholio*," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *bunghole*, here's your chance. I'm coming

over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I

lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over

there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on

West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There

I saw two a##holes beating the crap out of each other in front

of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works

[pabloh20 1]

I'm off to read a few cars for sale signs.......

[dribbler 6]

Brilliant!

[Argento Reloaded 1]

Are you complaining about my english? Well you complain because you never read my russian....