Jokes

[Loser Boy 0]

This happened a few years back. My old man, who was watching TV ,dozed off without switching off the TV. I wandered in the room to find the TV screaming its head off & pop sleeping blissfully unaware. So I switched off the TV. As soon as the TV went silent, pop woke up with a startled look on his face. LOL. I couldn't believe that he was woken up by silence! Perhaps it's a sign of a changing world.

[suomenpankki 0]

PORSCHE:

Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

CHEVROLET:

Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

TOYOTA:

The One You Ought To Avoid

FORD:

Fails On Rainy Days

BMW:

Brings Me Women

AUDI:

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

[Loser Boy 0]

Here's something from me -

Q ) What do you call a sexy black babe?

A ) Afro-disiac!

[goferrarigo 0]

PORSCHE:

Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

CHEVROLET:

Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

TOYOTA:

The One You Ought To Avoid

FORD:

Fails On Rainy Days

BMW:

Brings Me Women

AUDI:

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

You forgot mercedes. but nice ones, dont let dan see the porshe one

On the photo :- is that NK driving that.......................lol

[goferrarigo 0]

I'm Tired of Working...

For a couple years now I 've been blaming this feeling on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 300 million. 167 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[LabradoRacer 2]

This man purchases a dozen golf balls & stuffs them in his pant's pockets. He boards a bus. An old woman seated in the bus looks at his bulging pockets with wide eyes. Somewhat embarassed, the man says "golf balls". The old nag replies "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Is it like tennis elbow?".

[LabradoRacer 2]

This guy is suffering from erectile dysfunction. Even then ,he goes ahead & marries. Come honeymoon night,the bride finds out that he can't get it up. So she says, “I'm sorry , but this is reason enough for me to divorce you. I hope you understand & don't get angry.” The guy replies ,“I understand what you feel. It's ok. No hard feelings.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy is fond of giving a tongue-lashing to everyone & everything all the time. However he is rankled by the fact that his girlfriend never allows him to give her a cunnilingus. Guess why?

Answer : 'cos she was afraid of getting the rough side of his tongue.

[dribbler 6]

Took my wife up the sh!tter last night.

Nice pub, strange name.

[dribbler 6]

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For

sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the

shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks

her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big

c#cks and vodka'.

[LabradoRacer 2]

Ok,Steve,it's war now.

Heard about this gay cricketer? Well,he tampered the pitch before the eve of an important match. You could say he queered the opposing team's pitch.

Heard about this light-hearted 'omo? You could say he was gay all the time.

There are 2 types of men in the world. Those who can give a cunnilingus & those who cun't.

I was handed the prestigious responsibility of making a blue film. But the movie turned out to be very shoddy. Guess I blue it.

I have made a documentary about orgasms. It's coming soon on TV.

This flock of sheep were about to be sheared for their wool. One of the sheep said ,"We feel so woolnerable. It's shear injustice."

This hitman made a lot of money by charging a bomb for his services. You could say he made a killing on every mission carried out.

Do you know that Dracula is very bad at math? Well, he can't Count.

What's the difference between a straight man & a gay man?

Answer : A straight man plays Call Of Duty while a gay man plays Doll Of Cutie

During WW2, the leader of the British forces was telling his soldiers "Use your brain to defeat the enemy. Your brain is a powerful weapon." A soldier asked the leader, "But Sir,what do I do when I'm encircled by a dozen enemy soldiers?" The leader replied, "Use your Bren."

What's the difference between a curvaceous ,hour-glass shaped woman & a fat ,dumpy lady?

Answer: The former takes birth-control pills while the latter takes girth-control pills.

[elgo 1]

How to p*ss off a Telepizza worker

-Make up a credit card name and ask if they accept it.

-Just give him your address and hang up saying:

[dribbler 6]

Did you hear about when Jensonrules took part in the Isle Of Man TT races? He spent all night lapping Douglas.

[Jez 0]

These chicken jokes are crap, but my grandpa told them to me. He has such an addictive laugh, that I find them mildly amusing when I think of him-

Why did the chicken cross the road?

For some fowl reason.

Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To get to the other side.

I know, I know, pretty bad. I'm just killing time before the race!

[Shane2 0]

1: Japanese scientists have managed to make a camera with a lense so fast that it can actually take a photo of a woman with her gob shut!

2: I got a part time job with the Samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick, and they talked me out of it

3: A little girl goes to a barbers with her dad, and stands next to the chair eating a cake whilst her dad is getting his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says "You're gonna get hair on your muffin". Yeah, she replies i'm gonna get tits too you dirty old ba$tard

4: An eskimo is on holiday in wales. A welshman looks under his bonnet and says "You've blown a seal". So what, you f*** sheep replies the eskimo

5: A tramp walks into a jewlery store, pulls his boxers down, and sticks his finger up his arse. What the hell are you doing?! says the counter attendant. "Doing what it says on the sign in the window, picking my ring in comfort" replies the tramp

6: Elton john has just released a song in tribute of saddam hussein, it is called "Dangle In The Wind"

7: (paraphrased from a joke that Lister told Rimmer on Red Dwarf) A mate of mine, known as Peterson once brought a new pair of smart shoes. The idea was, that no matter how blind drunk you where, they could always walk you home.

Well one night, Peterson went out to his local and got hammered, and woke up in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored of just plodding the route from his local to his house, and wanted to see the world. When peterson got back home, he tried to sell the shoes, but no matter where he tried to sell them, they always came back to his house. So he just kept them and started using them again. A couple of years later, peterson woke up to find that the shoes are missing. Then the police phoned to give peterson the news that the shoes had stolen a car and driven it into a river. They where destroyed.

Peterson was devestated. He went to a vicar and had a word with him, but the vicar reassured him that everything would be alright, and that the shoes would be up in heaven.

You see, it turns out shoes have soles.

[dribbler 6]

7: (paraphrased from a joke that Lister told Rimmer on Red Dwarf) A mate of mine, known as Peterson once brought a new pair of smart shoes. The idea was, that no matter how blind drunk you where, they could always walk you home.

Well one night, Peterson went out to his local and got hammered, and woke up in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored of just plodding the route from his local to his house, and wanted to see the world. When peterson got back home, he tried to sell the shoes, but no matter where he tried to sell them, they always came back to his house. So he just kept them and started using them again. A couple of years later, peterson woke up to find that the shoes are missing. Then the police phoned to give peterson the news that the shoes had stolen a car and driven it into a river. They where destroyed.

Peterson was devestated. He went to a vicar and had a word with him, but the vicar reassured him that everything would be alright, and that the shoes would be up in heaven.

You see, it turns out shoes have soles.

[Jez 0]

1: Japanese scientists have managed to make a camera with a lense so fast that it can actually take a photo of a woman with her gob shut!

2: I got a part time job with the Samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick, and they talked me out of it

3: A little girl goes to a barbers with her dad, and stands next to the chair eating a cake whilst her dad is getting his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says "You're gonna get hair on your muffin". Yeah, she replies i'm gonna get tits too you dirty old ba$tard

4: An eskimo is on holiday in wales. A welshman looks under his bonnet and says "You've blown a seal". So what, you f*** sheep replies the eskimo

5: A tramp walks into a jewlery store, pulls his boxers down, and sticks his finger up his arse. What the hell are you doing?! says the counter attendant. "Doing what it says on the sign in the window, picking my ring in comfort" replies the tramp

6: Elton john has just released a song in tribute of saddam hussein, it is called "Dangle In The Wind"

7: (paraphrased from a joke that Lister told Rimmer on Red Dwarf) A mate of mine, known as Peterson once brought a new pair of smart shoes. The idea was, that no matter how blind drunk you where, they could always walk you home.

Well one night, Peterson went out to his local and got hammered, and woke up in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored of just plodding the route from his local to his house, and wanted to see the world. When peterson got back home, he tried to sell the shoes, but no matter where he tried to sell them, they always came back to his house. So he just kept them and started using them again. A couple of years later, peterson woke up to find that the shoes are missing. Then the police phoned to give peterson the news that the shoes had stolen a car and driven it into a river. They where destroyed.

Peterson was devestated. He went to a vicar and had a word with him, but the vicar reassured him that everything would be alright, and that the shoes would be up in heaven.

You see, it turns out shoes have soles.

[Shane2 0]

Why do you want to ban me

[dribbler 6]

Why do you want to ban me

How much time do you have?

[Shane2 0]

My time is worthless mate

[dribbler 6]

My time is worthless mate

Well it's well spent here friend.

[newredsuit 0]

I want to change the curtains...= and the furniture, the carpet, wall paint... and the car.

This kitchen is very little...= I want a new house

Do you love me?= I

[LabradoRacer 2]

1) This daredevil wanted to climb Mount Everest. His parents were against it,but after a long-drawn argument ,they gave their ascent.

2) This babe got fed up with her boyfriend's obsession with prunes. She decided to prune him from her life.

3) The government had made a proposal to construct a mega-dam to solve the water problem. However,pro-environment lobbies protested this saying that the environment would be screwed. On the other hand,without a dam,no water for people. Dammed if they do,dammed if they don't ,eh?

4) This weather-man had no idea weather his g.f would accept his marriage proposal.

5) This film about fried foods was panned by critics.

6) Heard about this basketball player who is suffering from urine incontinence? Guess this means that he's dribbling both on the court & off the court.

7) This carpenter dabbled in painting cars. He found it so profitable that he decided to become a full-time carpainter.

8) This garbage-collector asked this babe to marry him. She refused.

9) This babe started out as an occassional call-girl to make easy money. Soon she found the money to hard to resist & became a full-time prostitute. Hard to get out once you are sucked into the whoretex,huh?

10) This clown was dismissed from the circus. He cried that injestice had been done to him.

11) Loki,the trickster god became the cynosure of all eyes. Thor,the god of thunder,who was popular until then, was p**sed off by this.Why?

Answer : 'cos Loki stole his thunder.

[LabradoRacer 2]

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For

sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the

shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Steve,please explain this joke. I found out that bonjour is french for greetings. I couldn't comprehend the link.

By the way ,Steve did it ever cross your mind that you should try your hand at the entertainment industry?

[Jez 0]

1) This daredevil wanted to climb Mount Everest. His parents were against it,but after a long-drawn argument ,they gave their ascent.

2) This babe got fed up with her boyfriend's obsession with prunes. She decided to prune him from her life.

3) The government had made a proposal to construct a mega-dam to solve the water problem. However,pro-environment lobbies protested this saying that the environment would be screwed. On the other hand,without a dam,no water for people. Dammed if they do,dammed if they don't ,eh?

4) This weather-man had no idea weather his g.f would accept his marriage proposal.

5) This film about fried foods was panned by critics.

6) Heard about this basketball player who is suffering from urine incontinence? Guess this means that he's dribbling both on the court & off the court.

7) This carpenter dabbled in painting cars. He found it so profitable that he decided to become a full-time carpainter.

8) This garbage-collector asked this babe to marry him. She refused.

9) This babe started out as an occassional call-girl to make easy money. Soon she found the money to hard to resist & became a full-time prostitute. Hard to get out once you are sucked into the whoretex,huh?

10) This clown was dismissed from the circus. He cried that injestice had been done to him.

11) Loki,the trickster god became the cynosure of all eyes. Thor,the god of thunder,who was popular until then, was p**sed off by this.Why?

Answer : 'cos Loki stole his thunder.

Sorry LabradoRacer but I have to say, those jokes are terrible!!!

[Shane2 0]

Sorry LabradoRacer but I have to say, those jokes are terrible!!!

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