Jokes

[Argento Reloaded 1]

About marriage....

> Wife: 'What are you doing?'

> Husband : Nothing.

> Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate

> for an hour.'

> Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

> Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

> Wife : 'Yes and no.'

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

> Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,

> I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

> Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

> Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem

> can there be greater than this one?'

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all

> your worries,

> troubles and lighten your burden.'

> Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries

> or troubles.'

> Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,

> he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

> Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

> Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

> ________________________________

> A newly married man asked his wife,

> 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

> 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,

> NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Father to son after exam: 'Let me see your report card.'

> Son: 'My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.'

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

> The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

> --- -----------------------------------------------------------------

> A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me,

> my pretty face or my sexy body?'

> He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

> 'I like your sense of humor.'

[goferrarigo 0]

Nice one Argento...

Tendjewberrymud...

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation...

Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the FarEast Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one

toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping

we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.

Yes,an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. a## ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,

tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome."

[elgo 1]

goferrarigo,this reminds me of Manuel of Fawlty Towers!

[Rainmaster 7]

A man walks into a butcher's,

the butcher says 'i bet u can't reach those two pieces of meat'

man replies - 'no the stakes are too high'

-------------------------------------------------------

Who's On First for the Next Generation

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

-these are not mine

[SuperKimi 0]

Now that's a good one!

[Rainmaster 7]

err...thanks (if that wasn't a poor attempt at sarcasm), but of course i can only take credit for posting. Have you decided to stay? If so then, like a good christian, I will forgive your past sins.

EDIT: Although of course others may not be so forgiving.

Good luck!

[goferrarigo 0]

Internet Forum Lightbulb Maintenance...

How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[dribbler 6]

Police arrested two teenage boys last night. One was stealing battery acid, the other was stealing fireworks. Police charged the first one and let the second one off.

[pabloh20 1]

Internet Forum Lightbulb Maintenance...

How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

It's all true!

[DarkLord 0]

In the Presidential Election of 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details...

The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Amercians with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much Gore, and Gore says there is too much Bush.

[Rainmaster 7]

What caused the accident?

[goferrarigo 0]

What caused the accident?

Thats the reason why in F1 they have high walls next to the pits...

[DarkLord 0]

Scientists at NASA built a device to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, the space shuttle, etc.

The idea being to simulate collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the device and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a device was sent to the British engineers.

When device was fired, the British engineers were shocked...

The chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."

[goferrarigo 0]

A special For Lab:

Three Dog Night...

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it

[freaky2 1]

Real conversation recorded from channel 106 (emergency at sea)'s frequency, on the coast of Finisterra (Galicia, Spain), between Gallegos(from Galicia) and North-Americans, October 16th 1997

Gallegos: (noise in the background)... A-853 speaking, please, change your course 15 degrees south to evite colission between us... You're approaching us directly, at a distance of 25 miles.

Americans: (noise in the background)... We reccommend you to change your course 15 degrees to the North to evite the collision.

Gallegos: Negative. We repeat, change your course 15 degrees south to evite collision.

Americans: (a different voice) Speaking the Captain of an USA ship. We insist that you change your course 15 degrees to the North so we won't collide.

Gallegos: We don't consider that practical nor convinient, we suggest that you change your course 15 degrees south to evite a collision.

Americans: (p**sed off) SPEAKING CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD, IN CHARGE OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, OF THE USA MARINE. THE SECOND BIGGEST BATTLE SHIP OF THE USA FLEET. WE HAVE 2 ARMOURED SHIPS, SIX DESTRUCTORS, FIVE CRUISERS, FOUR SUBMARINES AND MANY OTHER SUPPORTING SHIPS ESCORTING US. WE'RE HEADED TO THE PERSIC GULF TO PREPARE MILITAR MANEUVRES FOR AN EVENTUAL OFFENSIVE FROM IRAQ. I'M NOT SUGGESTING... I'M ORDERING YOU TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH!!!!! ON THE CONTRARY WE WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE MEASURES WE CONSIDER NECESSARY TO GUARANTEE THIS SHIP AND THIS COALITION'S SECURITY. YOU BELONG TO A COUNTRY WHICH IS OUR ALLY, MEMBER OF THE OTAN AND THIS COALITION... PLEASE, OBBEY IMMEDIATLY AND MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY!!!!!

Gallegos: Speaking Juan Manuel Salas Alc

[AutoRacer5 0]

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead physics teacher in the road?

The skid marks in front of the snake.

[elgo 1]

Yeah,Freaky,Gallegos rule!

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead physics teacher in the road?

The skid marks in front of the snake.

That was a low blow, Murray.

[freaky2 1]

Yeah,Freaky,Gallegos rule!

That was a low blow, Murray.

Yes, they do xDD

And ouch! I feel sorry for poor Murray xD

[goferrarigo 0]

Real conversation recorded from channel 106 (emergency at sea)'s frequency, on the coast of Finisterra (Galicia, Spain), between Gallegos(from Galicia) and North-Americans, October 16th 1997

Gallegos: (noise in the background)... A-853 speaking, please, change your course 15 degrees south to evite colission between us... You're approaching us directly, at a distance of 25 miles.

Americans: (noise in the background)... We reccommend you to change your course 15 degrees to the North to evite the collision.

Gallegos: Negative. We repeat, change your course 15 degrees south to evite collision.

Americans: (a different voice) Speaking the Captain of an USA ship. We insist that you change your course 15 degrees to the North so we won't collide.

Gallegos: We don't consider that practical nor convinient, we suggest that you change your course 15 degrees south to evite a collision.

Americans: (p**sed off) SPEAKING CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD, IN CHARGE OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, OF THE USA MARINE. THE SECOND BIGGEST BATTLE SHIP OF THE USA FLEET. WE HAVE 2 ARMOURED SHIPS, SIX DESTRUCTORS, FIVE CRUISERS, FOUR SUBMARINES AND MANY OTHER SUPPORTING SHIPS ESCORTING US. WE'RE HEADED TO THE PERSIC GULF TO PREPARE MILITAR MANEUVRES FOR AN EVENTUAL OFFENSIVE FROM IRAQ. I'M NOT SUGGESTING... I'M ORDERING YOU TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH!!!!! ON THE CONTRARY WE WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE MEASURES WE CONSIDER NECESSARY TO GUARANTEE THIS SHIP AND THIS COALITION'S SECURITY. YOU BELONG TO A COUNTRY WHICH IS OUR ALLY, MEMBER OF THE OTAN AND THIS COALITION... PLEASE, OBBEY IMMEDIATLY AND MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY!!!!!

Gallegos: Speaking Juan Manuel Salas Alc

[Eric 0]

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead physics teacher in the road?

The skid marks in front of the snake.

[goferrarigo 0]

Corporate Lessons...

CORPORATE LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.

"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-----------------------

CORPORATE LESSON 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

---------------------------

CORPORATE LESSON 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

--------------------------------------

CORPORATE LESSON 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Eric 0]

I'd contribute to this thread, but as you all know, every post I make is quite serious and I have no time for jokes...as well as smokers, swearers, and those who take pleasure in the thought of sex...

[DarkLord 0]

Q. What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?

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A. Both come in a Posh Box.

[pabloh20 1]

I'd contribute to this thread, but as you all know, every post I make is quite serious and I have no time for jokes...as well as smokers, swearers, and those who take pleasure in the thought of sex...

I've just had to stop sh@gging my wife, put my fag out and log on to my computer to tell you to f**k off!

[LabradoRacer 2]

Good ones, Ankit.

Q: What's the difference between a fat lady & a curvaceous babe?

A: The former takes girth-control pills while the latter takes birth-control pills.

Q: What's the difference between a woman in a church ( or any other goddamned place of worship) and a woman in a bathtub?

A: The former has hope in her soul while the latter has soap in her hole.