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DarkLord

Kimi Raikkonen

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As I promised to Post Funny Posts on Schumi n Kimi. I am posting this on Kimi....

Background

Hails from Finland. Although his birth is believed to have been due to mistake during a genetic experiment designed to extract the charisma out of a young Mika Hakkinen.

Enjoys Booze.

Tries to win races, but cars break down. This is entirely down to the inability of Mercedes to build a decent engine, and nothing at all to do with the amount of strain Kimi is putting the car under.

Can't speak properly.

Regardless of the actual result, always beats Montoya, eliciting the joyous cry of point to Kimi.

History

Kimi was thrust into the combative world of F1 in 2001 when he got a drive with Sauber. Despite the fact that he was only 14 years old, and his only previous racing experience had been half a season of Formula Renault on the Playstation, he acquitted himself well, beating his 15 year old teammate Ickle on at least half an occasion.

For 2002, Kimi moved to McLaren, where he fulfilled his destiny and became Ron Dennis' new Finnish toyboy, replacing Mika Hakkinen, whose batteries had run out. He adapted to the stresses that come from having David Coulthard as a teammate, and despite this obvious disadvantage, McLaren were regularly as crap as everyone who wasn't Ferrari throughout the 2002 season.

Since then, he has stayed at McLaren through thick and thin (rumours that he wanted to leave but couldn't enunciate his desire were quickly mumbled to one side) and after beating the almost mighty Coulthard a few more times, mercifully sending him into retirement at Red Bull, he got an spiffy new team mate for 2005 in the voluptuous form of Juan Pablo Montoya.

Throughout 2005 and early 2006, Kimi has effortlessly stuck to the task of making slightly fewer mistakes than Montoya, and therefore retaining bragging rights for irony free Kimi fans on forums everywhere. Both drivers have wisely ignored the F1 drivers title, in favour of ensuring a constant demand for Mercedes engine parts and looking shiny.

Armageddon Averted

Rumours abounded throughout 2006 that Kimi will join The Chin at Ferrari for 2007. This move was subject to an investigation by the International Science Commission that such a partnership would create a charisma vacuum so vast, it would swallow the universe as we know it.

The ISC findings were presented to the world's media shortly before the Monza GP of 2006, when it was revealed that any pairing of The Chin with Kimi would indeed threaten the very stability of the universe. In a display of the kind of casual selflessness he has never been characterised with, Michael chose to retire to Switzerland, which he recently bought with a downpayment from his Ferrari retirement package.

Kimi's straight man in 2007 will instead be Felipe Massa, back in action after a busy off season polishing his own face.

The Future

Massive underachievement in another title-winning car. Recycled excuses from blinkered fans.

Kimi Raikkonen Quotes

* "You'll have to ask the team." - Usual response in times of happiness/despair/intrigue/frustration/disappointment/joy.

* "Mmmm, frrr llll mhmmmmhm." - Kimi speaks of his delight at having won the Japanese Grand Prix in 2005 on the last lap.

* "Yfmm, hrrm trrn hrrrr fmmm lll tmmmnnnm." - Kimi's controversial comments regarding gay marriage.

* "Dddd yrrrr rkkknnn mmmm smmmkkk." - Kimi's emotional outburst regarding his favourite pair of trousers.

* "Glll mmm yrrrr prrr rrrrm hrrrr nmmmmm." - Kimi's answer to the quest for world peace.

Source

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oh there IS a Button one, but quite short, so i'll post it here and not create a new topic!

Jenson Button. Ginger and pensive.The greatest Formula One driver to come out of the UK since Mark Blundell.

Object of affection for James Allen.

Has a facial hair issue.

[edit]The First Win!

Sunday 6th August 2006. A very special day. Is no longer notable by it's abscence. James Allen reckoned the strategies deployed the Honda team, were most certainly Bubbish. Other theories by more sensible people, suggested that Benson Jutton, was way too busy reading Nigel Mansell's book "The beauty of contracts, and how to break them". But now he's won. Fnar.

A Happy Button. Yesterday[edit]Facts

Jenson will be Formula One World Champion one day.

Jenson left his sexy girlfriend, Louise Griffithis, to have an intimate relationship with Nick Fry, James Allen and Louise Goodman. That said, Jenson could be called a player. A pimp.

Jenson Button IS Chris Martin of Coldplay.

When Jenson wins the F1 Drivers Championship he will immediatly turn off his Playstation.

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Brilliant DL and Jem. Ignore my previous comment in t'other thread! Brilliance!

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Juan Pablo Montoya

From Frikipedia

"Kimi's gone how slow?!"Juan Pablo Montoya is probably the greatest F1 driver who has ever lived. Despite the fact that he has never really won much. But this can usually be blamed on the car, the team, the rules or other lesser drivers driving into him.

Spent his early career being amazing at karting, Formula Vauxhall Junior and Formula 3 before winning the Formula 3000 Championship back in the days before it got bubbish, beating such great drivers as Paolo Ruberti, Brian Smith and Kurt Mollekens. Most of these drivers soon retired from the sport when it became obvious they were never going to come close to Montoya's sheer brilliance.

After being unwisely looked over for an F1 drive for 1999, Montoya did the manly thing and decided to win something else instead. And he did, winning the FedEx Championship Series in America by the crushing gap of zero points over Dario Franchitti. Montoya got the nod for the title after it was pointed out that he had won more races, got more pole positions and also had a far better taste in trousers than Franchitti. Dario cried after realising he was only second best to the mighty Montoya, and eventually slipped away into complete obscurity.

In the 2000 FedEx Series, despite leading the most laps, winning lots of pole positions and also having by far and away the coolest haircut, Montoya failed to win the title. Mainly because his car was bubbish and kept stopping because it was knackered. And Kwik Fit was closed. He did, however, have a go in the Indy 500 "for a laugh" and won by an awfully long way, causing spontaneous celebrations across much of central Africa, who could easily see how amazing he was.

In 2001, he finally got a chance to drive in F1. He quickly proved himself to be the best driver there by qualifying 11th for his first Grand Prix and then retiring, proving once and for all that it isn't cool to qualify in the top 10 or finish a race in Australia. This is a point often missed by other drivers.

In 2001-04 he raced for Williams-BMW, a team that consistently promised much, but ultimatly delivered a shoddy car. So he went to McLaren-Mercedes for 2005, to give him a chance to beat the overrated monosyllabic alcoholic, Kimi Raikkonen. He didn't really end up doing this, although most of the blame here can be ascribed to an injury Montoya picked up whilst playing tennis on a motorbike, through no fault of his own.

So far in F1, he has won 7 GP's. It would have been a lot more, but the car was bubbish.

In 2006, Juan was involved in several incidents where he hit everything he could before the wheels fell off his slow McLaren. He was very successful at this and decided he needed to drive something that took longer for the wheels to depart from the chassis (So he could cause more damage to his competitors and surroundings); so after hitting his teammate and Jenson Button, and pitching some guy who no one noticed on the outside of the corner into a series of rolls at the USGP, JPM decided NASCAR was the series for him and buggered off without telling anyone. This was, if you are a stupid, a "breach of contract".

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Juan Pablo Montoya

From Frikipedia

In 2001-04 he raced for Williams-BMW, a team that consistently promised much, but ultimatly delivered a shoddy car. So he went to McLaren-Mercedes for 2005, to give him a chance to beat the overrated monosyllabic alcoholic, Kimi Raikkonen. He didn't really end up doing this, although most of the blame here can be ascribed to an injury Montoya picked up whilst playing tennis on a motorbike, through no fault of his own.

Too good.

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