Crikey! It's The Melbourne Gp Thread, Mate

[HandyNZL 1]

In a little under a week the hills will be alive with the sound of music Melbourne residents will be complaining about the noise of the Formula 1 cars.

Well boo bloody boo hoo to them, I say. Instead of moaning and groaning they should go and attend the race; it's the cheapest ticketed venue of them all.

And if they don't want to do that, then maybe they should take themselves and their sheila off to Tasmania. And stay there.

So a quick recap on last years race, and some comments for this years.

1/ HRT only just made it. Heres hoping for a vast improvement from them this year.

2/ Grosjean crashed. Heres hoping he won't this year. (Like hoping will change anything...)

3/ Kimi looked good in his first race back. Now it's not (his first). So this means he has to win.

4/ McLaren was fast last year, book ending the podium with Jense in 1st and Lewis in third. Some German kid was second. I have a funny feeling the podium is likely to be the same. But then again, no feeling I have ever had has turned out to be true, except, that one time...in band camp...

5/ Apparantly the Ferrari was a dog last year, and no one expected them to finish anywhere near the points. Apparantly the car is 200 times better this year (on good authority from one Mr F Alonso. Not sure who he is, but he sounded authorative - he has a "Mr" infront of his name). This would then mean that by the time the rest finish on Sunday, the Ferrari cars will be crossing the line in Canada.

6/ Last year, tyres played a large part...well, they fell apart. Expect the same this year, with all the cars falling off a cliff at lap 50. I've been to Melbourne and I never saw a cliff. So either someone in the commentary box is lying, or I missed a rather large geological feature at Albert Park.

So, lets get excited people!!

Sutil is back!!

[nns2703 0]

I wana see Sutil and hamilton on podium at melbourne.

[BradSpeedMan 6]

So, lets get excited people!!

hey, now you're using MY line, expect a lawayers letter soon!

[The Shadow 0]

In a little under a week the hills will be alive with the sound of music Melbourne residents will be complaining about the noise of the Formula 1 cars.

Well boo bloody boo hoo to them, I say. Instead of moaning and groaning they should go and attend the race; it's the cheapest ticketed venue of them all.

And if they don't want to do that, then maybe they should take themselves and their sheila off to Tasmania. And stay there.

So a quick recap on last years race, and some comments for this years.

1/ HRT only just made it. Heres hoping for a vast improvement from them this year.

2/ Grosjean crashed. Heres hoping he won't this year. (Like hoping will change anything...)

3/ Kimi looked good in his first race back. Now it's not (his first). So this means he has to win.

4/ McLaren was fast last year, book ending the podium with Jense in 1st and Lewis in third. Some German kid was second. I have a funny feeling the podium is likely to be the same. But then again, no feeling I have ever had has turned out to be true, except, that one time...in band camp...

5/ Apparantly the Ferrari was a dog last year, and no one expected them to finish anywhere near the points. Apparantly the car is 200 times better this year (on good authority from one Mr F Alonso. Not sure who he is, but he sounded authorative - he has a "Mr" infront of his name). This would then mean that by the time the rest finish on Sunday, the Ferrari cars will be crossing the line in Canada.

6/ Last year, tyres played a large part...well, they fell apart. Expect the same this year, with all the cars falling off a cliff at lap 50. I've been to Melbourne and I never saw a cliff. So either someone in the commentary box is lying, or I missed a rather large geological feature at Albert Park.

So, lets get excited people!!

Sutil is back!!

To respond to your comments I can confirm the following:

1. HRT has finally improved from last year's fiasco, the team, car and drivers this year will be invisible, though thats not much of an improvement with regards to last year's car sponsorship deal

2. Grosjean will not never uncrash, definitely maybe

3. Kimi will win, if not on track it will be in a game of badminton against Vettel (am reliably informed that they do play that ridiculous game)

4. In a world exclusive, I can confirm that the podium will be the same one used last year, with Rolex hastily painted over tip-exed Foster's signage

5. Ferrari was never a dog, but prancing horse meat was found in Tesco beef products, apparantly

6. Tyres falling off will play an important role in F1 this year, as Felipe found out during testing in Barcelona. As for cliffs in Melbourne, I have been reliably informed that different teams show differring amounts of gradients, and this is an anomaly in data collection means that quantum physics is at play. This means that the mere act of observation of these symptoms will randomly affect the outcome of the subject matter and all efforts to collect data should be discontinued

I hope these will clear up any confusion regarding the first race of the season.

As you were

[Massa 0]

Australian Grand Prix Fun Facts:

The Australian Grand Prix dates back to 1928, when the nation was still known as Australia-Hungary. Arthur Waite had to wait for the other competitors to finish, as he was the first to cross the line in his Austin. The car was an Austin in name only, though; it was actually an Elroy.

Sebastian Vettel will attempt to win his fourth consecutive championship. Former teammate and Australian Grand Prix points scorer Sébastien Bourdais has also won four consecutive titles. He did so in the United States, where the feat was described as his "fourth straight consecutive championship in a row presented by Roshfrans," making it far more impressive.

Adrian Sutil enters this race still believing that Lewis Hamilton is a coward. Etymologically, the word "coward" stems from a French construction meaning "with a tail." Hamilton is now accompanied by Roscoe who does, in fact, have a tail.

Speaking of words, what do you call an F1 driver with legal problems? A lawsutil.

13.636% of all drivers entered were born on April 25. This is interesting because most people do not have birthdays.

One of those drivers is Jean-Éric Vergne. His intra-team rivalry with Daniel Ricciardo has really heated up, and if the Aussie keeps playing with fire, he might get third-degree Vergnes.

While there is much debate about whether or not there are cliffs in Melbourne, certain geological features do exist in the area. The leaders will have to climb Charles' Peak as they work through lapped traffic to get a better view.

Jacques Villeneuve has never won the Australian Grand Prix.

Alain Prost is the only driver to win the race in both the pre-F1 and F1 eras. His F1 victories came with McLaren, who are now sponsored by 1979 race winner Johnnie Walker.

Mika Häkkinen and Kimi Räikkönen are the only umlauted individuals who have won the race. Nico Hülkenberg could become the third in his new Sauber. Hülkenberg hopes it isn't a pig of a car, or else it'll be known as the Sowber.

[Ikyrotz 0]

1. HRT has finally improved from last year's fiasco, the team, car and drivers this year will be invisible,

That's just one "n" away from invincible! They are almost there, but like they always say, the last bit is the hardest to achieve. I'm sure 2014 will be their year!

[HandyNZL 1]

hey, now you're using MY line, expect a lawayers letter soon!

I get letters from "lawayers" on almost a daily basis delivered to my email inbox proclaiming me the benificiary of some dead long lost cousin, or offering a share of profits from a financial transaction.

I hit delete.

So bring it!

I have a nicely labeled DEL key for you and your lawayer

[BradSpeedMan 6]

I get letters from "lawayers" on almost a daily basis delivered to my email inbox proclaiming me the benificiary of some dead long lost cousin, or offering a share of profits from a financial transaction.

I hit delete.

So bring it!

I have a nicely labeled DEL key for you and your lawayer

hey, dont mock my inglis

[Massa 0]

10 March?

The first free practice starts in a few hours and we're so uninterested we haven't posted in the race thread in five days? Come on!

Vettel's car is called "Hungry Heidi" now. All the cars since 2009 must have been hungry, with those skinny ***es since we left 2008-spec rear wings. I'll stick to calling it the RB9, professional that I am, but we'll probably be calling it a winner soon...sure looks great in those colors.

I'm so excited. There really is no predicting what happens this weekend. So many drivers who could win this one, and so many who might win throughout the season. It's so hard to tell. I don't think people realize how perfect this grid is. They only want to whine about how someone's a pay driver or how this one guy they loved in the 2010 whatever formula championship really deserves to be there, but if everyone would take a deep breath, they'd see that we have five World Champions on five different teams. That's so awesome. The more spread out the talent is, the better. Five WDCs, all number ones on their team, all in a different car. It's great. These last years may have been the best grids ever; so much quality at the front, and the quality of those pay drivers is infinitely higher than ever. And that's just the driver side of this...

I can't wait.

[Quiet One 15]

Pfftf....this is nothing.

Listen, young lad, you have no idea what good F1 is all about. In my times...now that was racing! Rudolph Caracciola, Elizabeth Taylor, King David of Israel....oh, how they raced!

5 champions? Pah! And these cars are a joke! In old times they had 1,343,901.33 cylinders! And ran on human blood! The smell was soooo sweet! And the noise! And they were real men with real pitstops. It was not uncommon for a car to have 122 pitstops in a 57-lap race (like the ones at the mythical circuit of Anctartica...tell me about heating the tires!)

And then there's all that tree-huggers crap about a "greener" F1 becasue the cars consume too much??? Poppycokc! In my youth, kiddo, cars consumed whole planets each race! Did you know that we had 278 planets in our solar system back then? The closest one to Earth was called "Dobbie".

So what if these poorly fed younguns are going to race in their toy cars???

ROSCOE FTW!

What? Oh, yes, I am ok, why do you ask?

[LabradoRacer 2]

Is www.formula1.com opening for you guys? It's not, here.

[Quiet One 15]

Is www.formula1.com opening for you guys? It's not, here.

It does for me.

[Grabthaw the Hammerslayer 4]

like the ones at the mythical circuit of Anctartica...tell me about heating the tires!)

Now wouldn't that be something - a race in Antarctica Someone better tell Bernie that's the one continent with no F1 race in it (OK, we'll skip over Africa...)

I had my own "Antarctica moment" recently when my car got stuck in snow part of the way through a journey not a happy bunny. Anyway 4 big burly fellas helped push it out and I went on to stay at a conference 1) in the same hotel as Tom Cruise (apparently who is filming in UK currently) - it was embarassing, he kept coming to my door asking for an autograph.... 2) I met an astronaut who had piloted two shuttle missions to the international space station. What a guy. Felt like a 7 year old again (steady! I know I'm in trouble making a comment like that < ) 3) was given a Mont Blanc pen (thank you v.m) and 4) got offered a new job!

Sorry got nothing to do with Melbourne, but have not been on here for a while. Oh boy what a last 6 months....

Anyway... so... Rosberg finally appears to have a team mate who will challenge him.....

Massa's looking a bit racey...

Where are the McLaren's?

[mikathegreat2 2]

Red Bull 1-2 & Alonso 3rd place. Oh wait it's the Oz GP, therefore Webber will have some form of mechanical failure which means Hamilton might get the final podium spot.