430 replies to this topic

[LabradoRacer]

AutoRacer5, on 03 January 2010 - 08:17 PM, said:

Muhammad heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, "I heard you were planning to leave me?"

She replied, "Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!"

Muhammad thinks for a minute or so and then responds, "that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."

[LabradoRacer]

dribbler, on 04 January 2010 - 07:42 AM, said:

http://www.shutupwom...tonmyhorse.com/

[Kopite Girl]

A woman's comeback to pick-up lines:-

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

[Kopite Girl]

Man language:-

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?" (my personal favourite! so true!!)

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[Piotr]

Man language:-

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated BY FEMALE: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
ACTUAL MEANING:" FEMALE MIND IS SO ALIEN TO EARTH, I WOULD DIE OF OLD AGE BEFORE YOU UNDERSTAND.
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated BY FEMALE: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
aCTUAL MEANING: "I WOULD LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE, BUT DON'T WANT TO BE YELLED AT FOR BEING IN THE WAY"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated BY FEMALE : Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

ACTUAL MEANING: A) I ANSWERED THIS BEFORE, B)I AGREE WITH YOU, C) CONDITIONED RESPONSE

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated BY FEMALE : "I have no idea how it works."

ACTUAL MEANING:YOUR EYES WILL GLAZE OVER BEFORE THE END OF MY FIRST SENTENCE. YOU WILL LOSE ALL INTEREST IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SECOND SENTENCE, AND BEFORE MY THIRD SENTENCE YOU WILL WALK AWAY TOSSING OVER YOUR SHOULDER A DISMISSIVE 'WHATEVER...'  WHY BOTHER?

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated BY FEMALE: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

ACTUAL MEANING: A) "IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH HOT ENGINE OIL POURING DOWN MY SHIRT", "YOU ARE REPEATING IT FOR THE FIFTH TIME IN ONE HOUR", C) "I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE LAST 2 MINUTES OF THAT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH", D) SEE FEMALE TRANSLATION ABOVE.

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated BY FEMALE: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
ACTUAL MEANING: A) "IF YOU WAIT 5 MINUTES I'LL DO IT FOR YOU", SEE A AND TRANSLATION BY FEMALE ABOVE

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated BY FEMALE: "Are you still talking?"
ACTUAL MEANING: SEE FEMALE TRANSLATION ABOVE

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated BY FEMALE: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
ACTUAL MEANING: " I WORKED MY BUTT OFF DURING ANOTHER 14-HOUR DAY AT THIS STINKING JOB - WHAT DID YOU DO FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY (ALTERNATIVE - SEE FEMALE TRANSLATION).


"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated BY FEMALE: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

ACTUAL MEANING: A) "I KNOW HOW YOU GIRLS SWOON OVER THOSE EFFEMINATE GUYS DOING IT  FOR YOUR BEST FRIENDS, SO I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD" SEE FEMALE TRANSLATION ABOVE)

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated BY FEMALE: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

ACTUAL MEANING: " I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE THIS STRONG MACHO MAN, BUT HURRY UP WITH THAT BANDAGE BEFORE I FAINT."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated BY FEMALE: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
ACTUAL MEANING: "IF YOU CLEAN UP MY STUFF, AT LEAST TELL ME WHICH DARK CORNER OF THE HOUSE  YOU  DECIDED TO PUT IT."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated BY FEMALE: "What did you catch me at?" (my personal favourite! so true!!)
ACTUAL MEANING: "IT COULD BE 3000 DIFFERENT THINGS (INCLUDING ME BREATHING IN THE SAME ROOM WITH YOU) DEPENDING ON THE TIME OF MONTH. I KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT. WHAT'S RELEVANT IS YOUR PERCEPTION - UNFORTUNATELY, I'M NOT A MIND READER.

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated BY FEMALE : "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

ACTUAL MEANING: "JUST BECAUSE I HEARD YOU DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO ANSWER RIGHT NOW."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated BY FEMALE: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

ACTUAL MEANING: NO, THIS ONE IS SPOT ON...

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated BY FEMALE: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
ACTUAL MEANING: [SEE FEMALE TRANSLATION] + "IF I SAY ANYTHING ELSE WE'LL NEVER LEAVE AND I' WILL NOT GET IT FOR WEEKS..."


"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated BY FEMALE: "No one will ever see us alive again."
ACTUAL MEANING: " AND IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, NOBODY WILL EVER SEE YOU ALIVE AGAIN..."

[Kopite Girl]

And all of Piotr's responses are promptly met (by all females) - 'Really. No sex for you for a month. I'm going to take your stash of porn and burn it too.'

We will always win.

[HandyNZL]

You're a harsh woman, Steph....

[Kopite Girl]

HandyNZL, on 06 January 2010 - 04:03 AM, said:

You're a harsh woman, Steph....

Spoiler

That would do me in too!!

[Piotr]

Kopite Girl, on 06 January 2010 - 03:46 AM, said:

And all of Piotr's responses are promptly met (by all females) - 'Really. No sex for you for a month. I'm going to take your stash of porn and burn it too.'

We will always win.

I've been married for 10 years. Therefore, all this would mean I'd get it 11 instead of 12 times in 2010...

Luckily, I have a very vivid imagination

[Piotr]

Kopite Girl, on 06 January 2010 - 03:46 AM, said:

And all of Piotr's responses are promptly met (by all females) - 'Really. No sex for you for a month. I'm going to take your stash of porn and burn it too.'

We will always win.

Actually, I did not provide any responses (you did that); I simply provided a correct interpretation of male responses. Remember - men are simple. We say what we mean and vice versa...

[Kopite Girl]

Piotr, on 07 January 2010 - 01:02 AM, said:

Actually, I did not provide any responses (you did that); I simply provided a correct interpretation of male responses. Remember - men are simple. We say what we mean and vice versa...

I just copy pasted from an email my sister sent me!

And now you're going to pull my pigtails in the playground aren't you?

[HandyNZL]

Kopite Girl, on 06 January 2010 - 05:46 AM, said:

Spoiler

That would do me in too!!

Well I was married.....

[Piotr]

Kopite Girl, on 07 January 2010 - 01:23 AM, said:

I just copy pasted from an email my sister sent me!

And now you're going to pull my pigtails in the playground aren't you?

You strike me as that girl who LIKED her pigtails pulled - sometimes...

[Kopite Girl]

Piotr, on 07 January 2010 - 04:32 AM, said:

You strike me as that girl who LIKED her pigtails pulled - sometimes...

Haha! I was the girl who two footed my opponents on the football pitch. And laughed.

[elgo]

I love this site: http://theoatmeal.com/comics

[Piotr]

Kopite Girl, on 07 January 2010 - 04:41 AM, said:

Haha! I was the girl who two footed my opponents on the football pitch. And laughed.

How about your teammates?

[medilloni]

Just been asked what a Twitter is - it's the bit between the twat and the Sh#tter.

[Kopite Girl]

dribbler, on 14 April 2009 - 07:09 PM, said:

Look, my mum is a Muslim lesbian and has lepracy. She laughed her scabby black tits off at that joke, why can't you?

You twat. That has made me laugh. Hard.

Dribs is the best!

[AutoRacer5]

Got a couple of items for sale:

One Fay gala chocolate making kit with four molds and two fudge packers. They're portable, so you can pack fudge indoors and outdoors with all of your friends. After all, everyone likes packing fudge.

Also for sale a Rimjob set of 18 inch rims for a truck.

Also I have a great recipe for Blumpkin Pie, tastes great according to my friends.

Let's see, also an exotic jungle bunny imported from Nigeria that's wild but can be tamed and trained. Any mother would LOVE to have this for Mother's day.

Also have a carpet steamer from the Cleveland Vaccuum Company, so buy this Cleveland Steamer for only $399.

Last but not least, we have a curved shaft reach around broom, gets into dark, tight spaces that are dirty, so if you've got dirt in tight spaces, you need a reach around!

[LabradoRacer]

Lingerie thief gives police the slip.



Q: How do you tell a woman she's pretty and a bitch, without using the word 'bitch'?
A: Tell her, "You look fetching." Then you throw a stick and say 'Fetch'.

[DarkLord]

This question has been bugging me for ages. Could someone please be kind enough to answer this? Please?????



If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they cannot have a headache and $ex at the same time?

[Kopite Girl]

Maybe there's just too much banging. Headaches. Indeed.

[LabradoRacer]

So, this one day, I finally mustered the courage to do it, and decided to avail the services of a ho. We stripped off until we were naked-er than a newborn baby. It being my first time, and that too with a ho, I blurted out nervously, "Are you free of STDs? No filthy, angstrom-sized vermin in there?" She replied, "Of course, I'm perfectly healthy! I've been lucky not to get any STDs so far and hope to remain like that!", and proceeded to grab my 'Scepter of passion'*, where upon she exclaimed with a laugh, "Touch wood!"


*Courtesy of Nabokov. No, you dirty mind, I mean he gave me the phrase, not what you're thinking of.

[Persevere]

LabradoRacer, on 14 May 2010 - 05:52 PM, said:

So, this one day, I finally mustered the courage to do it, and decided to avail the services of a ho. We stripped off until we were naked-er than a newborn baby. It being my first time, and that too with a ho, I blurted out nervously, "Are you free of STDs? No filthy, angstrom-sized vermin in there?" She replied, "Of course, I'm perfectly healthy! I've been lucky not to get any STDs so far and hope to remain like that!", and proceeded to grab my 'Scepter of passion'*, where upon she exclaimed with a laugh, "Touch wood!"


*Courtesy of Nabokov. No, you dirty mind, I mean he gave me the phrase, not what you're thinking of.

Ah, Jay, leave it to you to work prose master Nabokov into your twisted humor.

[DarkLord]

I often joke that my wife is too fat to have sex with.

I call her, "missionary impossible."

[DarkLord]

Took a day off today to do nothing but read. Suddenly, something stuck me. English has changed over the last few years. When I was 10 years old -
"Rubber" meant an "Eraser", "a##" meant a "Donkey", "c#ck" meant a "Rooster", "Gay" meant "Happy", "Straight" meant "Linear", "Screw" meant "Fastener", "Making out" meant "Logical Deduction", "Ramming" meant "Compacting", "Laying" ...meant "Setting aside", "Stag" meant a "Male Deer", "Tit" was always..... for a "Tat", "Jacking" always referred to a "Flat tyre", "But" always meant anything but "butt"
......English has certainly changed.

[Argento Reloaded]

Some guy ent to the doctor to find out how dangerous is his illnes.
doctor: "well you´re in a very bad condition. i think you have only a week of life"
guy: "Oh. nooooooo! What can I doooo"
doctor: "move with your mother in law and it will feel like an eternity!"

[freaky2]

- My doctor told me I had only three months to live.
- Oh, no! And what did you do?
- I told him I couldn't pay him in less than 6 months, so he extended it.

[LabradoRacer]

How does a dyslexic guy react to misfortune?

"This happens."

[Piotr]

LabradoRacer, on 17 May 2010 - 05:23 AM, said:

How does a dyslexic guy react to misfortune?

"This happens."

What does a dyslexic atheistic insomniac do?
He stays up all night arguing there is no Dog...