Jokes

[LabradoRacer 2]

Sorry LabradoRacer but I have to say, those jokes are terrible!!!

+1

And the illusion lies shattered in a thousand pieces....

I'll try to improve.

[DarkLord 0]

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.

"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

[LabradoRacer 2]

1) This conwoman with big boobs was on the run from the law. One day,the cops managed to nab her. They remarked ,"You're busted."

2) This alcoholic was not only sozzled to the gills but also high on drugs & was walking unsteadily. He lost his balance & hit his head on a stone. He sure was stoned,huh?

3) This wannabe pilot struggled with his flying lessons. After many months of trying to teach him to fly properly,the flight instructor threw his hands up in exasperation & said,"You don't have it inside you to be a pilot. That's the plane truth."

4) This god-fearing man had a peculiar habit of sometimes saying two words without a pause between them. When asked whether he was an atheist ,he replied ,"No,I'm atheist."

5) This guy wearing shoes with spikes was attacked by a few thugs. He kicked them using his shoes to maximum effect & they took to their feet.He sure shoed them away,what say?

6) This farmer was in the business of growing pears. However ,he was rankled by the fact that his colleagues always had a better quality yield. He could never surpass his fellow farmers in either quantity or quality. Saddened by this,he committed suicide as he couldn't bear the pear-pressure.

7) These country bumpkins were obsessed with eating egg-yolk. I guess you could call them yolkels.

8) This fat grizzly committed suicide as he couldn't bear the taunts from his fellow-bears.

9) This female grizzly was very shy when having sex for the first time. She couldn't bring herself to bare all.

10) On the eve of a performance,this guitarist was nervous to find that the strings of his guitar were tightened too much. His performance was affected very badly as he was highly-strung.

11) The principal scolded this boy for being late to school. The boy replied that he was late because he had to help a crippled woman cross the road. The principal dismissed it saying ,"Don't give lame excuses."

12) This guy had the misfortune of a sumo-wrestler falling on him. It proved "fat"al for him.

13) This guy & his g.f both were make-up artistes working in the film industry. They often had lovers' tiffs. However,they would always kiss & make up after a tiff.

14) This kinky guy was fond of shagging while rowing his boat in the lake. He said he got the best oargasms by doing this.

15) This bee was criticised by his community for being too lazy. The bee committed suicide after hearing the criticims as he felt beelittled.

16) This bee had lots of aspirations. Very ambeetious,wasn't it?

17) Heard about this Shakespeare-loving bee who was often pondering over the meaning of life?Well he'd often go ,"To bee or not to bee ,that is the question."

18) This curvy babe had an apiary of her own. The honeybees were very friendly with her. She always went to the beach without wearing anything. Why?

Answer : 'cos the honeybees would cover her body strategically to make a beekini.

19) Heard about this rich laundryman who got divorced recently? Well,his wife took him to the cleaners.

20) Heard about this guy who fell into a huge vat of grease? He thrashed & writhed for a long time before dying in a horrible way. Poor guy had a greasely death.

21) Heard about this laundryman who passed off money got from drug-dealing as legitimate? He had a real thing for money-laundering.

22) Dow Jones is coming out with a new method of measuring the stock market's performance, based on the share values of 30 top toilet-making companies. The new indicator is going to be called Dow Johns.

23) Donald Duck has bought NASDAQ. It's going to be renamed as NASDUCK.

24) This dwarf went to an astrologer & asked what his future was. The astrologer replied,"You will be a stunt-man & will achieve great heights in this."

25) I beat Mike Tyson at boxing. Yep,there's no one who can fold cardboard better than me.

26) This young man was being criticised by his family members for not wanting to join the box-making family business. The chap replied ,"Oh,c'mon ,let me go in for a new venture. Dare to think out of the box."

27) This guy was totally smitten by this top female golfer. You could say he was "putt"y in her hands.

28) This guy's wife complained to him that there was some problem in the plumbing system & the water flow was erratic. Instead of calling a plumber ,the guy bought an iron. His baffled wife asked him,"What the ****?" He replied,"Haven't you heard of ironing out the flows?"

29) This never-say-die guy repeatedly tried his hand at winning a triathlon. He never won. However ,in recognition of his spirit ,he was awarded the "Tryathlon" trophy.

30) Scientists have discovered a new planet with many pits filled with venomous snakes like Kraits,cobras etc. Guess the planet has plenty of Kraiters ,huh?

31) This not-too-intelligent couple were purists when it came to ball-dancing. Yeah,whenever they had to do a ball-dance ,they would wear very loose clothes & no underwear.

32) Heard about this miser who loved to pinch women's bottoms with coins instead of his fingers? I guess you could call him a penny pincher.

33) This boy had a very weak memory. A day after he was taught about circles & chords in geometry class,his sieve-like brain undid all that he learnt. The teacher took the pain of going through the topic again & the boy began to slowly remember the previous day's stuff. Suddenly he exclaimed ,"Hey ,now it strikes a chord!"

34) Charles Schulz was once very p**sed off with the poor pay & threatened to stop making cartoon strips. He said he couldn't continue if he was paid Peanuts.

35) Heard about this babe who was p**sed off with her body-building obsessed boyfriend. Last heard,they were trying to work out the problems in their relationship.

36) This hotshot film director was fishing,when some important reels of his latest film fell into the water. He used the fishing rod to reel in the reels.

37) Where in England do all stupid people stay?

Answer : Dorkester.

38) This thief who would always wear tattered clothes was fleet-footed. Whenever the cops chased him,he ran them ragged.

[BradSpeedMan 6]

Ok, reading thru this thread I felt I had to contribute, and since I'm lame telling jokes, I dug up this warning e-mail haha This is a bit lame too but anyway it's something...

How to survive a shark attack

1: Don't swim in the ocean.

Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in

exceptionally

large bodies of water also known as oceans.

The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean

is to taste the

water, which should be salty.

2: Listen out for the music.

In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an

ocean, listen

carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the

marvelous documentary

film Jaws.

All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da,

daah-da" chords, which

will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets

closer.

This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3: Swim with fat people.

Try to surround yourself with more appetizing

companions.

If you know them well, you might even try to switch

their suntan

Lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce.

This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't go into the water without a knife.

This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person

(a.k.a the

decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack.

Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding

profusely.....swim for your

freekin life.

5: Don't panic.

In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to

remain calm.

This really won't help you survive, but everyone else

on the beach

Will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is

quite unsettling

[BradSpeedMan 6]

hell, lets keep going....

Here's some lessons for the younsters...

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,

if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's your stupidity.

.........................................................................

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

.........................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

.........................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

.........................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.........................................................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.........................................................................

Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

.........................................................................

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

.........................................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.........................................................................

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in

life.

.........................................................................

The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

.........................................................................

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

.........................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

.........................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

.........................................................................

There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

.........................................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

.........................................................................

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

.........................................................................

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

.........................................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

.........................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say........

[cavallino 2]

Always loved this one, quality satire.

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[AutoRacer5 0]

There's something I like about the clitoris, I just can't quite put my finger on it...

[DarkLord 0]

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."

[LabradoRacer 2]

1) This guy who was fond of fast-paced sports played golf for the first time. He found golf too teedious.

2) The army placed a multi-billion dollar order for sten-guns from a shady arms dealer. The arms dealer took the money & sent nothing. The army was stenned by this.

3) I love bulls very much. I am thinking of having an ambullance to treat injured bulls.

4) The coffee industry ,the tea industry & the alcohol industry were at loggerheads with each other. It was a brewtal war out there.

5) This little boy finally learnt to add numbers. He was so happy that he did sumersaults.

6) I have a strong liking for puns. You could say I have a punchant for them.

7) This violent man had a punchant for picking up fights.

8) This punster suddenly lost his ability to make puns.The doctor diagnosed that he was suffering from punile fracture.

9) This beer-swigging golfer says beer makes him a better golfer. He says that beer makes him to make more beerdies on the golf course.

10) The auditors were scrutinizing the finances of this advertising agency. They smelt a rat & said that the numbers don't ad up.

11) This flea was very wasteful & reckless. His mates said he was profleagate.

12) This guy is having a problem of lacking confidence to speak. The shrink has diagnosed him as suffering from insaycurity.

13) This fat lady was unhappy with her butt. After months of exercise,she became shapely. The physical change was asstounding.

14) This newspaper baron's wife complained that he wasn't giving her enough attention. He replied,

[LabradoRacer 2]

I found out that my puns don't make anyone laugh. Initially I was dejected,but now I am seeing another opportunity there.

Y'see ,I could sell my puns as a sure-fire cure for insomnia or as a weapon of torture(CIA, you reading this?)

[dribbler 6]

Steve,please explain this joke. I found out that bonjour is french for greetings. I couldn't comprehend the link.

By the way ,Steve did it ever cross your mind that you should try your hand at the entertainment industry?

The 'bonjour' has no particular relevance. The joke leads you to believe that there is a frog in the shop that performs a sexual act. On entering the shop the customer finds that it is not a frog but a Frenchman. 'Frog' is a racist slang to describe a French man.

Yes, i have considered a job in entertainment. The rotten fruit and vegetables turned me off.

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."

How do you know my friend John?

[LabradoRacer 2]

The 'bonjour' has no particular relevance. The joke leads you to believe that there is a frog in the shop that performs a sexual act. On entering the shop the customer finds that it is not a frog but a Frenchman. 'Frog' is a racist slang to describe a French man.

Yes, i have considered a job in entertainment. The rotten fruit and vegetables turned me off.

How do you know my friend John?

By the way ,don't you think it is humiliating for the frogs to be equated with Frenchmen?

[LabradoRacer 2]

1) This famous advertising agency functioned in an ad hoc manner.

2) Heard about this beer loving baseball player? He's a good pitcher.

3) I am thinking of coming out with a strange,wacky tasting beer. I am going to name it

[dribbler 6]

:

By the way ,don't you think it is humiliating for the frogs to be equated with Frenchmen?

One is slimey and smells bad, i'll let you finish the joke......

[LabradoRacer 2]

del

[DarkLord 0]

Mike was walking past a pet shop one day and noticed a parrot in a cage hanging outside. As he approached, the parrot said, "Hello. What's your name?"

"Mike," responded the young man.

Several days later, Mike again approached the pet shop. "Hello, Mike." said the parrot.

Mike was amazed, and decided to go inside and buy the bird. The clerk told him the parrot was not for sale.

"I really want that parrot," said Mike. "Name your own price."

The clerk saw an opportunity to make some money, so he told Mike, "I can't sell Polly because she belongs to the owner. But I can get you some of her eggs. They're $100 each, and you'll have to come back after hours so I can sneak them out to you."

Mike orders 1/2 dozen eggs and agrees to come back later that night.

The clerk decides to gather a mixture of different eggs to increase the likelihood of having some of them hatch, and when Mike comes back that night - he sells him the 6 eggs.

A couple weeks later the eggs hatch - but instead of parrots, Mike has a baby chicken, turkey, duck, goose, owl, and a robin.

The following week he once again approaches the pet shop.

"Hello, Mike," says the parrot.

"Don't you talk to me, you slut." responds Mike. "You'd sleep with anything."

[mikathegreat2 2]

! That's a good 1! It shows how you can't be trusted by everybody you don't know!

[Kay 0]

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

[Sato 0]

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

I thought this was a joke thread, not a good advice thread

[dribbler 6]

Mike was walking past a pet shop one day and noticed a parrot in a cage hanging outside.

STOP PRESS! Autumnpuma reports pet shop cruelty.

[DarkLord 0]

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"

[Jean Todt 4]

Mike was walking past a pet shop one day and noticed a parrot in a cage hanging outside. As he approached, the parrot said, "Hello. What's your name?"

"Mike,"

We did have a Parrot substituting Mike (chief priest) in the church last sunday.

[Jean Todt 4]

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"

Ehem! No

[Yoda McFly 1]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a pub ...

The Frenchman orders a glass of wine; when the barman delivers it, lo and behold, a fly lands in it. The Frenchman turns his nose up, and orders the barman to pour him a new glass.

The Englishman orders a pint of bitter; when the barman delivers it, a *different* fly lands in his drink. The Englishman carefully fishes the fly out, flicks it towards the other side of the room, and proceeds to enjoy his beer.

The Irishman orders a pint of Guinness; when the barman delivers it, unbelievably, a *third* fly lands in his beer. He grabs the fly, holds it over the glass while shaking it, and bellows: "SPIT IT OUT, YE b#####d!!!"

[lukeB 0]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Cuban and a Pakistani are all in a boat.

The Cuban gets out a cigar, lights it, takes one drag, and throws it over the boat.

The Scotsman turns to him and says; 'What did you do that for?!'

The Cuban answers; 'We have lots of cigars in Cuba so we can afford to waste some'.

'Oh', says the Scotsman, who then takes out a bottle of whisky, takes one swig, and chucks the bottle into the sea.

'What did you do that for?!' Asks the Englishman.

The Scotsman replies, 'Ah, you see, we have lots of whisky in Scotland so we can afford to waste some'.

'Oh', replies the Englishman, and turns to the Pakistani and throws him in the sea.