Awaken The Poet Inside You

[dribbler 6]

This is how I feel whenever I try and write poetry, from one of my favourite poets:

From my bed

I watch

3 birds

on a telephone

wire.

one flies

off.

then

another.

one is left,

then

it too

is gone.

my typewriter is

tombstone

still.

and I am

reduced to bird

watching.

just thought I'd

let you

know,

****er.

I just p**sed myself.

This is my favourite humorous poem. It's by a British guy called John Hegley.

Amoeba

Hello Amoeba,

I wish you were my pet,

But you're not really big enough,

To be seen by the vet, are you?

You're a little blob of jelly,

You've got no skin or bone,

You're not a boy, you're not a girl,

And you're not on the telephone.

I cannot get in touch with you,

I cannot pull your leg,

You look a little bit like,

A fried egg.

You're a long way down the ladder,

That evoloution trod,

But you can eat,

With your feet,

Or to be,

More discreet,

Obtain food throught your pseudopod.

And you don't have to have a partner,

To start a family,

You can multiply by dividing,

Tra la la, la li.

[goferrarigo 0]

Here is my favourite poem, as soon as i found it i loved it:

IF

Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, not talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can walk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Apparently, the line about Triumph and Disaster is inscribed over the players' entrance at Wimbledon. Having a son myself(Conn Iggulden), it strikes me that I could do a lot worse than teaching the values of this poem to him. Kipling lost his only son in World War One.

[Max Mosley 2]

All very good guys. Here's some famous poems I like. First a homoerotic one by Shakespeare - his sonnet number 20. The idea is that he knows a man who's so beautiful that the Goddess Nature must have made him as a women initially, then fallen in love with her own creation. Now in those days same-sex relationships were frowned upon of course, but the Goddess is Ok because she can simply "add one thing" to make her creation the man he now is. Shakespeare however is powerless to do anything and can only have an intense platonic relationship despite his feelings. This frustration can be seen is the bitter puns on "but not a-cun%ted", "nothing" and "prick'd". There's a metrical pun too in that every line has an extra weak (unstressed) syllable which is called a feminine* ending, which adds to the bitterness. Its possible there was a real man called Hugh because every line has letters to make up that sound eg Hew or Hue.

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted

Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;

A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted

With shifting change, as is false women's fashion;

An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,

Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;

A man in hue, all 'hues' in his controlling,

Much steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.

And for a woman wert thou first created;

Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,

And by addition me of thee defeated,

By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.

But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,

Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

Then I like some funny ones. Here's Norman Douglas in action:

There was a young man of Nantucket

Whose prick was so long he could suck it

He said, with a grin

As he wiped off his chin:

"If my ear were a cnut I could fcuk it"

There was an old man of Brienz,

The length of whose c#ck was immense.

With one swerve he could plug

A boy's bottom in Zug

And a kitchen-maid's cnut in Koblenz.

Finally here's the Eminem of the 17th century, John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester:

She was so exquisite a whore

That in the belly of her mother

She turned her cnut so right before

Her father fcuked them both together.

All poems and more can be found in Stephen Fry's book The Ode Less Travelled. Oh and Kay did you write yours? Its very good if so.

*Notice Kipling carefully alternates feminine and masculine (stressed syllable) endings to create alternating doubt and certainty respectively. The trailing weak syllable subconciously suggests doubt and is often used to great effect: To be or not to be: that is the question. The strong masculine ending suggests assurance and completeness by contrast.

[BradSpeedMan 6]

I come and I bring Pain....

"Can anyone follow the ways of my pain. I live on the edge of a razor, that cut me to shreds as I move"....Anon

[BradSpeedMan 6]

Stephen Fry has a great book on poetry, and the writing thereof, called "The Ode Less Travelled". I strongly recommend it.

will definately check it out, thanks Murray

[cavallino 2]

I just p**sed myself.

This is my favourite humorous poem. It's by a British guy called John Hegley.

Brilliant

[Max Mosley 2]

will definately check it out, thanks Murray

Good man!

[Jean Todt 4]

Good work loser boy, kay and dribbler. Very entertaining. Stephen Fry has a great book on poetry, and the writing thereof, called "The Ode Less Travelled". I strongly recommend it. Here's my humble attempt.

I go by the name of Murray,

But only online so don

[Max Mosley 2]

Here's a relevant link from today's Guardian.

[Loser Boy 0]

****

****

****

****

shunt

There was a runt,

Who was very blunt,

He would often grunt,

People bore his anger's brunt,

He wrecked his car in a shunt.

[Max Mosley 2]

Nice work Loser Boy. Here's another version.

There once was a runt,

Who after a blunt,

Would often hunt,

His girl

[Autumnpuma 0]

Attention supporters of Asians!

Some gentle poetic persuasion

[Max Mosley 2]

Cheers Mike. Here's a video I found recently of Benjamin Zephaniah performing his famous vegetarian Xmas poem about the Turkey.

[Max Mosley 2]

Come on post something, somebody. Here's another attempt.

In the room that

[Shane2 0]

You dirty swine

[Max Mosley 2]

Yep.

[Loser Boy 0]

Come on post something, somebody. Here's another attempt.

In the room that

[Max Mosley 2]

Cheers man. You're doing well too, not least in starting this thread.

[Loser Boy 0]

There was a duke,

Who had a nuke,

He wanted to conquer,

He drank lots of beer,

His ambitions ended with a puke.

[Loser Boy 0]

A guy very naughty,

Wanting to get dirty,

Ran towards a babe to grope,

In his hurry tripped o'er a rope,

Ended up being knotty.

Another one -

If you're a foul mouthed swine,

Just wash your mouth with lotsa wine,

Remove each n every wart,

Get rid of that fart,

And you will be fine.

[Max Mosley 2]

[Max Mosley 2]

I wish I had your creativity.

I just noticed your edit and thought it was funny because I'm not particularly creative, more scientific really. In school I failed to write more than a couple of things that would even be recognised as poetry by anyone else. Then I read Stephen Fry's book on poetry and how to write it (The Ode Less Travelled), and everything became clear. There are lots of patterns and rules you can use to make decent-sounding poems easily.

[bajo39 0]

Then I read Stephen Fry's book on poetry and how to write it (The Ode Less Travelled), and everything became clear. There are lots of patterns and rules you can use to make decent-sounding poems easily.

I think you might have missed the point...

[Max Mosley 2]

How so, Dan?

[Loser Boy 0]

How so, Dan?

You said the book helps to write decent sounding poems. Dan played on the word "decent" since many of your limericks were colorful. He just pulled your leg about you missing the point.