Cucumber

[Grabthaw the Hammerslayer 4]

I must tell you about an experience I had recently....

I was on a train going home. I was approaching my stop and had just eaten a particularly ripe banana.

Banana-skin in hand I got up to stand by the exit and *just* at the point I got to the area by the doors... I let out a small fart - don't judge me, we all do it - a bijou fartette...

The conductor was stood by the door with his back to me (and not a word of a lie) he raised his head, sniffed the air quizically and went "Cucumber???....!"

I said "Nooo, banana" and he looked *very* confused.

But after I got off the train, it got me thinking.....

If Banana + fart = cucumber Therefore Cucumber - fart = banana

So, if I can find a way of extracting farts from relatively cheap cucumbers, I could turn home grown vegetables into a valuable cash crop....

Hmmmm, can I get mangoes from potatoes by using the same process?

I think I'm onto something here.....

[HandyNZL 1]

You might think you're onto something here, the rest of us just think you're on something, and it's leaves are strangely reminiscent of a tomato plant.

[BradSpeedMan 6]

I must tell you about an experience I had recently....

I was on a train going home. I was approaching my stop and had just eaten a particularly ripe banana.

Banana-skin in hand I got up to stand by the exit and *just* at the point I got to the area by the doors... I let out a small fart - don't judge me, we all do it - a bijou fartette...

The conductor was stood by the door with his back to me (and not a word of a lie) he raised his head, sniffed the air quizically and went "Cucumber???....!"

I said "Nooo, banana" and he looked *very* confused.

But after I got off the train, it got me thinking.....

If Banana + fart = cucumber Therefore Cucumber - fart = banana

So, if I can find a way of extracting farts from relatively cheap cucumbers, I could turn home grown vegetables into a valuable cash crop....

Hmmmm, can I get mangoes from potatoes by using the same process?

I think I'm onto something here.....

Graham, you need to learn WHEN to fart

[dribbler 6]

Ewww= Mango Cucumber squared.

[AleHop 0]

Maybe cucumber was some sort of code word like bazinga!!!

Or maybe you had been using a cucumber in a very natural way... Oh, wait... TAXI!!!

[Grabthaw the Hammerslayer 4]

Well, following my earlier posting, further news from Ban-co - my new venture for commercial banana/cucumber extraction.... (I did think of registering Fartco, but figured the Stock Exchange may not take me seriously....)

A team of scientists have been working through the night to perfect the cucumber/fart extraction process. Actually, when I say a team, I mean me... but as the old saying goes, there is no "I" in team...

Anyway, after liquidising three cucumbers they were placed in the reaction vessel (a Tupperware container) in the refinery (my airing cupboard*) and left overnight. Initial excitement turned to disappointment, as although there was a gas given off from the mix, it was *definitely* not a fart.

* This is a lie, actually as I don't have an airing cupboard, so put it in my wardrobe instead - well it is a *sort* of cupboard. My wife, though did ask why my suits all smelled of cucumber...

p.s. as a footnote to this, I later revisited the mix and we seem to making progress it had started turning black around the edges and yellow in places...

p.p.s. I can conclusively state that Narnia is made up; whilst in my refinery (er, wardrobe) I pushed as hard as I could against the back wall but I never saw one faun or centaur

[Quiet One 15]

Er...remind me why I was glad to have you back posting again?

[pabloh20 1]

Er...remind me why I was glad to have you back posting again?

Because it reminds you that there's always somebody who is worse off than yourself??

[dribbler 6]

I can't wait to be old.

[Persevere 0]

I can't wait to be old.

Perfect.

[Grabthaw the Hammerslayer 4]

I shall ignore the slings and arrows

I have some sad news about my cucumber-banana conversion process.

Firstly, my cucumber mix is now fermenting and despite opportunities to create a new alcoholic c#cktail - the Pina Cu-lada, or the Long Sloe Cu Against The Wall it seems like a non-starter....

Secondly, despite my extensive scientific research, I have recently discovered that the price of cucumbers are actually *higher* than those of bananas so commercial exploitation will not be viable

I did try to see if I could reverse the process (banana + fart = cucumber) but no success (believe me I tried, but despite mixing the, er ingredients not *once* did I witness a hint of cucumber)

No worries, Ban-co has moved into a new venture. I reasoned that if banana + fart = cucumber, therefore there is a market for....... banana-scented underpants (bear with me)....

You see, to avoid the social stigma of flatulence, by having banana-scented undergarments this tricky social problem would go away. One could fart at will and all onlookers would experience would be a faint whiff of cucumber.... This could come into its own during, for example tea and cucumber sandwiches at the Savoy.... All of a sudden, afternoon tea parties with the Queen become more acceptable....

I was thinking of marketing them as "The *Real* Banana Hammocks..."

I did hit once stumbling block though, "scratch and sniff" built into underwear could create other social stigmas....

[pabloh20 1]

I shall ignore the slings and arrows

I have some sad news about my cucumber-banana conversion process.

Firstly, my cucumber mix is now fermenting and despite opportunities to create a new alcoholic c#cktail - the Pina Cu-lada, or the Long Sloe Cu Against The Wall it seems like a non-starter....

Secondly, despite my extensive scientific research, I have recently discovered that the price of cucumbers are actually *higher* than those of bananas so commercial exploitation will not be viable

I did try to see if I could reverse the process (banana + fart = cucumber) but no success (believe me I tried, but despite mixing the, er ingredients not *once* did I witness a hint of cucumber)

No worries, Ban-co has moved into a new venture. I reasoned that if banana + fart = cucumber, therefore there is a market for....... banana-scented underpants (bear with me)....

You see, to avoid the social stigma of flatulence, by having banana-scented undergarments this tricky social problem would go away. One could fart at will and all onlookers would experience would be a faint whiff of cucumber.... This could come into its own during, for example tea and cucumber sandwiches at the Savoy.... All of a sudden, afternoon tea parties with the Queen become more acceptable....

I was thinking of marketing them as "The *Real* Banana Hammocks..."

I did hit once stumbling block though, "scratch and sniff" built into underwear could create other social stigmas....

Sounds like normal behaviour for your part of the country.

Edit - seems you have done 'extensive' research and testing, have you thought of working for Microsoft??

[Caesar 0]

I must tell you about an experience I had recently....

I was on a train going home. I was approaching my stop and had just eaten a particularly ripe banana.

Banana-skin in hand I got up to stand by the exit and *just* at the point I got to the area by the doors... I let out a small fart - don't judge me, we all do it - a bijou fartette...

The conductor was stood by the door with his back to me (and not a word of a lie) he raised his head, sniffed the air quizically and went "Cucumber???....!"

I said "Nooo, banana" and he looked *very* confused.

But after I got off the train, it got me thinking.....

If Banana + fart = cucumber Therefore Cucumber - fart = banana

So, if I can find a way of extracting farts from relatively cheap cucumbers, I could turn home grown vegetables into a valuable cash crop....

Hmmmm, can I get mangoes from potatoes by using the same process?

I think I'm onto something here.....

this is really stupid. i mean really, really stupid. there is no point debating this post . we don't anything about conductor, and his is major factor in this. his sense of smell is the only thing that made you come up with this kind of conclusions, and we don't know how valid is it . so we can only regret that we can't smell your fart and know if your conclusions are true.

[Grabthaw the Hammerslayer 4]

this is really stupid. i mean really, really stupid.

Why, thank you.

there is no point debating this post .

Why did you do it then?

we don't anything about conductor, and his is major factor in this. his sense of smell is the only thing that made you come up with this kind of conclusions, and we don't know how valid is it .

Oh my God. You mean, my idea is not scientifically valid??? That has shattered my dreams....

so we can only regret that we can't smell your fart and know if your conclusions are true.

Believe me, you would not want to do that

[AleHop 0]

Ok. At least we need a picture of your fart for a scientific peer-reviewed conclusion.

Something cute, please.

[Caesar 0]

Why did you do it then?

i didn't debate it, i just commented it

Oh my God. You mean, my idea is not scientifically valid??? That has shattered my dreams....

we don't doubt it, we just want some proof

[Kopite Girl 0]

Chris. You're a banana eating cucumber smelling old fart. I actually remember you telling me this! Definitely a sign of old age when you repeat your stories.

When you fart next time, give the bloke next to you a cheeky wink and then say w#nker really loud. You'll get a carriage all to yourself!

[Kopite Girl 0]

I can't wait to be old.

Sign of dementia that. You thinking you're young that is.

[AleHop 0]

Sign of dementia that. You thinking you're young that is.

[Rainmaster 7]

Ok. At least we need a picture of your fart for a scientific peer-reviewed conclusion.

Something cute, please.

I am not sure there is anyone who can know how a fart smells, based on a picture. I could be wrong though...

[Autumnpuma 0]

Ugh. I can't un-read this thread....

[Grabthaw the Hammerslayer 4]

Day two of Ban-Co's operations...

The "Real Banana Hammocks" were a major disappointment, very uncomfortable and did not give desired fart-filtering. I should have taken the skins *off* the bananas before stapling them to the gusset of the y-fronts... (I must admit I never thought I would *ever* put up a posting with the word "gusset" in it!!!

I forgot about the pureed cucumber in my wardrobe, which, now fermenting copiously, spontaneously combusted - taking out my wardrobe and clothes - I just don't know how I will ever get a replacement for my gold, sequined, lycra body-stocking....

Undeterred, I tried other fruit in the test-underpants to assess their fart-modifying capabilities. Gooseberries showed some promise, but were a bit itchy, Rhubarb just did not work, perhaps I should have chopped and cooked it first? Finally I settled on cranberries, which, although not effective as a fart-filter, cleared up my cystitis....

I'm beginning to think this whole banana-fart thing was a mistake....

[dribbler 6]

Sign of dementia that. You thinking you're young that is.

Thanks. If I wasn't a goldfish I would be completely demented.

[AleHop 0]

I am not sure there is anyone who can know how a fart smells, based on a picture. I could be wrong though...

Well, I have an own modified scanner that can analyze that. Want to try it?

[Jenson_Rules 0]

I am so confused!