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lechilka26

Best Joke Ever ;)

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Took my wife up the sh!tter last night. Nice pub, strange name.

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A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a beer.

An obviously intoxicated man sitting next to him angrily shoves him and yells:

"Last night, I fvcked yer mother! What are you going to do about it?!"

The whole bar gets quiet and expects a fight to break out, but the first man just rolls his eyes and ignores him.

The drunk man shoves him even harder and screams:

"Did you hear me??!!! I said - Last night I fvcked yer mother and I'm gonna do it again tonight!!"

The other man sighs and says:

"Dad, go home - you're drunk."

Lots of great jokes in this thread, but that one really made me chuckle!

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Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

:D

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I bet all the Muslism found it hilarious aswell.

I used to tell lots of jokes about Jesus and I stopped after a friend of mine told me that he didn't feel good for thoses jokes, IMO jokes are jokes, and I don't find them offensive if they include Jesus but I know many people will disagree with this point of view and maybe God will disagree too but right now that's the way I think about it.

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Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - 'CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100.'

Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.

Shlomo turns to him and says, "Abe, what's going on?"

"Shlomo," replies Abe, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Shlomo says, "What, are you crazy?"

Abe thinks for a minute and says, "Shlomo, I'm going to do it."

With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Shlomo, "did you get your $100?"

Abe looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

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Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - 'CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100.'

Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.

Shlomo turns to him and says, "Abe, what's going on?"

"Shlomo," replies Abe, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Shlomo says, "What, are you crazy?"

Abe thinks for a minute and says, "Shlomo, I'm going to do it."

With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Shlomo, "did you get your $100?"

Abe looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

:roll:

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Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - 'CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100.'

Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.

Shlomo turns to him and says, "Abe, what's going on?"

"Shlomo," replies Abe, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Shlomo says, "What, are you crazy?"

Abe thinks for a minute and says, "Shlomo, I'm going to do it."

With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Shlomo, "did you get your $100?"

Abe looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

:clap3:

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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome .

One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by

and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting

behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar

behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David

and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic

country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you

money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when

you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably

give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other

beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the

Goldstein brothers about marketing."

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I used to tell lots of jokes about Jesus and I stopped after a friend of mine told me that he didn't feel good for thoses jokes, IMO jokes are jokes, and I don't find them offensive if they include Jesus but I know many people will disagree with this point of view and maybe God will disagree too but right now that's the way I think about it.

Dude, I'm a lazy catholic, and I tell Jesus jokes.

Don't worry.

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One day Lizard was walking past a tree and he saw monkey sitting in it smoking.

He looks up and shouts " Monkey , what are you doing?

Monkey replies, " Smmmmmoking a joint!"

"Can I join you?", asks Lizard.

"Suuuuure maaan", says monkey," come on uppppppp."

After an hour of smoking Lizard says

" My Mouth is dryyyyyy, going to get a drink of water....."

"Noooo, problem " says monkey.

Lizard slowly climbs down the tree and staggers to the drinking hole. Heis so sleepy that he falls into the water and crocodile has to save him.

"What happened to you ?, he asks lizard.

"it was that damn monkey", he replies " he was smoking a joint so i decided to join him."

"Where is he now?" asks crocodile.

"Not far , just by the big tree", he replies

Crocodile decides to go and have a closer look.

He finally finds the tree with monkey still sitting in it.

As crocodile approaches the tree, monkey yells down.

"FUUURRRKKK man how much water did you drink?????"....................

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Took my wife up the sh!tter last night. Nice pub, strange name.

:lol:

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So these 3 tourists wandering in some goddamned dense jungle in South America are caught by a tribe. The chieftain says "I"m in a sadistic mood. What each of you will do is shove up your arse whatever is in your bag." Tourist #1 has some figs. So he shoves 'em up his arse. Tourist #2 has some apples. As he shoves apples up his arse, he initially screams with pain. But halfway into the stuffing, he starts laughing. The chieftain is dismayed to see him laughing & asks him the reason. Tourist #2 replies "Tourist #3 has got pineapples."

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I used to tell lots of jokes about Jesus and I stopped after a friend of mine told me that he didn't feel good for thoses jokes, IMO jokes are jokes, and I don't find them offensive if they include Jesus but I know many people will disagree with this point of view and maybe God will disagree too but right now that's the way I think about it.

Yeah, chill. I'm sure the bellowing laughter from above wasn't thunder.

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A husband and wife are arguing one day at home when suddenly a genie pops in.

He says to the wife that he will grant her 3 wishes. However she must remember that what ever she wishes for the husband will get 10 fold in return.

The wife agrees and first asks to be the most beautiful woman in the world. He asks if she is sure as the husband will be come 10 times more sexy. She agrees (*poof*) it is done says the genie.

Second the wife asks for a million dollars. Again the genie asks, are you sure your husband will get 10 million.... Yes she says. (* Poof*) and so it was done.

The husband it sitting smiling to himself thinking he has the best deal ever!!!

The genie then turns to the wife.... and what will your last wish be....... remember your husband will get it 10 fold....

The wife thinks for a while, she smiles, looks at the genie and says........................................

I would like to have a mild heart attack!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAH- Moral of the story guys..... women are smarter than you think!!!!

:P

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Dude, I'm a lazy catholic, and I tell Jesus jokes.

Don't worry.

Ya, I tell mother mary and 'father' jokes.

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A husband and wife were arguing one day, neither wanting to apologise first they stopped talking to each other.

When the husband got into bed he remembered he had an important business meeting and had to catch an early flight and needed to be up at 6 am the next morning. Not wanting to break the silence first he left a note for his wife on her bedside table where she couldn't miss it. Ir read, " Please wake me at 6 am" he smiled thinking he was very clever and went to sleep

Then next morning he woke up to discover it was9 am and he had missed his flight. He was furious that his wife hadn't woken him. As he was getting up he looked on his bedside table. On it was a note that read " It's 6 am - wake up!!!!"

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A husband and wife were arguing one day, neither wanting to apologise first they stopped talking to each other.

When the husband got into bed he remembered he had an important business meeting and had to catch an early flight and needed to be up at 6 am the next morning. Not wanting to break the silence first he left a note for his wife on her bedside table where she couldn't miss it. Ir read, " Please wake me at 6 am" he smiled thinking he was very clever and went to sleep

Then next morning he woke up to discover it was9 am and he had missed his flight. He was furious that his wife hadn't woken him. As he was getting up he looked on his bedside table. On it was a note that read " It's 6 am - wake up!!!!"

:lol::lol:

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A husband and wife were arguing one day, neither wanting to apologise first they stopped talking to each other.

When the husband got into bed he remembered he had an important business meeting and had to catch an early flight and needed to be up at 6 am the next morning. Not wanting to break the silence first he left a note for his wife on her bedside table where she couldn't miss it. Ir read, " Please wake me at 6 am" he smiled thinking he was very clever and went to sleep

Then next morning he woke up to discover it was9 am and he had missed his flight. He was furious that his wife hadn't woken him. As he was getting up he looked on his bedside table. On it was a note that read " It's 6 am - wake up!!!!"

:lol:

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There was a man who was on a Safari and was caught by a tribe in the jungle as some post ago ; the man thought they were cannibals getting ready to eat him so he was very scared, the people on the tribe were dancing all around him when he says "I think I screwed it up" when suddenly he heard a voice in his head that said "no, no, you havent screwed it up anything, do you see that man with all theses feathers on his head? He is the chief, take that spear next to you and kill him" the man willing to fight for his life didn't think about it twice, he took the spear and killed the chief, everybody in the tribe stopped what they were doing and stared at him, still with spear in his hand he asked to the voice he heard before and now? and the voice replied to him "Now? Now you really screwed it up"

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There was a man who was on a Safari and was caught by a tribe in the jungle as some post ago ; the man thought they were cannibals getting ready to eat him so he was very scared, the people on the tribe were dancing all around him when he says "I think I screwed it up" when suddenly he heard a voice in his head that said "no, no, you havent screwed it up anything, do you see that man with all theses feathers on his head? He is the chief, take that spear next to you and kill him" the man willing to fight for his life didn't think about it twice, he took the spear and killed the chief, everybody in the tribe stopped what they were doing and stared at him, still with spear in his hand he asked to the voice he heard before and now? and the voice replied to him "Now? Now you really screwed it up"

Man on safari = Fernando

Safari = McLaren

Cannibal = Lewis

Chief = Ron

Now you really screwed it up= now you really screwed it up.

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