430 replies to this topic

[Argento Reloaded]

A woman tell his husband she wants new tits! And her husband agree and tell her "before to go for surgery try a sanitary paper every day between your bobs"
" and this will work out?" she asked
" It worked fine with your back!"

[LabradoRacer]

So far, I was happy that people considered me the bee's knees.  I just came to know that ****ing bee's got arthritis.

[dribbler]

What kind of bees give milk? Boobees.

[aussief1]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman
he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an
ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $20 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

dribbler, on Oct 23 2008, 04:51 AM, said:

What kind of bees give milk? Boobees.

[LabradoRacer]

Recently got an email of dogs in silly halloween dresses. Found this one the funniest.

[shampion]

Newfie joke:



A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a
Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.



The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!'



The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'



The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'



The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper.  Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'



George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'



The group fell silent for a moment.



The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'



The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea.  I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them.'



The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'



The Newfie said, 'Why the f*ck can't they play at night?'

Edited by shampion, 29 October 2008 - 02:26 PM.

[LabradoRacer]

shampion, on Oct 29 2008, 03:25 PM, said:

Newfie joke:



A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a
Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.



The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!'



The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'



The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'



The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'



George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'



The group fell silent for a moment.



The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'



The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them.'



The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'



The Newfie said, 'Why the f*ck can't they play at night?'

[LabradoRacer]

So Jay goes to this farm where a young gal is milking a cow. The lass says, "Mom!!! Jay's here!" Her mom gets scared s##tless & screams, "Hurry up inside!!". Jay goes away & the lass returns outside to continue milking. (Milking the cow, that is.) Next, Eric arrives on the farm. The lass says, "Mom!! Eric's here!" Again, her mom gets scared s##tless & screams, "Hurry up inside!". Eric too goes away & the lass resumes milking. (Again, milking the cow. Sad, isn't it?) Andres and Paul reach the farm. The lass screams, "Mom! Paul & Andres are here!" This time, her mom screams, "Quick, bring the cow inside the house!!"

[LabradoRacer]

I'm getting increasingly impatient about fulfilling my fetish. Y'see I desire that a babe lick slurp my baby batter off my chest. The day it happens, it'll be a load off my chest.

[Argento Reloaded]

3 guys were speaking about when their wives screaming the most making love...
guy 1: When I come early from job, i take her by assault in the kitchen and all the neighbourhood hear she...
guy 2: When she takes a shower I enter the bathroom and take her by assault in the bath and all the city hear she screaming.
guy 3: After.

guy 1 and 2: What?

guy 3: yeah. After make love... when I clean it up with the curtains... the entire nation can haer she!

EDIT: type error

Edited by Argento, 03 November 2008 - 12:08 PM.

[LabradoRacer]

Good ol' Dubya never disappoints : http://www.timesonli...icle5070503.ece

[Kopite Girl]

    

[dribbler]

LabradoRacer, on Oct 28 2008, 04:23 PM, said:

Recently got an email of dogs in silly halloween dresses. Found this one the funniest.

Is that Bernie at the end of season party?

[medilloni]

This is so close to the effing truth........

In the year 2008  the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said:

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky..

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Government beat me to it.'

[shampion]

Subject: Missing Husband



Mike was in trouble. He forgot his wedding

anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him

'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6

seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'



The next morning Mike got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and

sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the

middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out

to the driveway.



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Mike has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

[Jean Todt]

medilloni, on Nov 20 2008, 12:01 PM, said:

'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Government beat me to it.'

[Jean Todt]

dribbler, on Nov 7 2008, 09:06 AM, said:

Is that Bernie at the end of season party?

[Jean Todt]

shampion, on Nov 24 2008, 06:20 PM, said:

Subject: Missing Husband



Mike was in trouble. He forgot his wedding

anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him

'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6

seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'



The next morning Mike got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and

sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the

middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out

to the driveway.



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Mike has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

.

But a certain Mike has been missing from last season. If anyone finds him, Please ask him to start postin again.

[Jez]

dribbler, on Oct 23 2008, 05:51 AM, said:

What kind of bees give milk? Boobees.

Pure gold

aussief1, on Oct 23 2008, 09:12 AM, said:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman
he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an
ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $20 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Very good!

shampion, on Nov 25 2008, 04:20 AM, said:

Subject: Missing Husband



Mike was in trouble. He forgot his wedding

anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him

'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6

seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'



The next morning Mike got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and

sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the

middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out

to the driveway.



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Mike has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

    

abbas_gear, on Nov 25 2008, 10:54 AM, said:

.

But a certain Mike has been missing from last season. If anyone finds him, Please ask him to start postin again.

indeed

[The Rumble Strip]

Not a joke as such but a F1 trivia question with a punchline.

Name five past or present F1 drivers that have the name of a Scottish town or city as their first or last name.

Edited by Team Formula One, 12 January 2009 - 09:12 PM.

[devilsinskirtsisback]

Team Formula One, on Jan 12 2009, 09:11 PM, said:

Not a joke as such but a F1 trivia question with a punchline.

Name five past or present F1 drivers that have the name of a Scottish town or city as their first or last name.

Can't think of all 5, but....

Johnny Dumfries
Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
and.....

Ayr toon centre

[shampion]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[Rainmaster]

Brilliant!

[hookedon-f1]

  

[dribbler]

Most paedophiles have beards and glasses. What is about that look that children find so sexy?

[Rainmaster]

Good old Frankie.

[The Rumble Strip]

Spot on.

The other is a quite obvious one.

Lewis Hamilton.

[devilsinskirtsisback]

Team Formula One, on Jan 13 2009, 07:18 PM, said:

Spot on.

The other is a quite obvious one.

Lewis Hamilton.

Doh!

[The Rumble Strip]

To be fair, I didn't get that one either.

[devilsinskirtsisback]

Team Formula One, on Jan 20 2009, 06:51 PM, said:

To be fair, I didn't get that one either.

My excuse is that there were only 3 drivers when I first heard the joke. Hard to keep up with all of these Scottish town additions. Next thing someone will be telling me that there is a town in the Highlands called Buemi or something.....