My wife asked me for a rape alarm. I drugged her before bedtime. At 6am I f*cked her up the arse and said "honey, it's time to get up".
4
Best Joke Ever ;)
Started by
lechilka26
, Aug 27 2006 04:27 AM
430 replies to this topic
#241
dribbler
-
- Senior Members
-
- 7,807 posts
Prostate Senna's fumes
- Gender:Male
- Location:Behind you, waaaaah!
- Interests:Boobs, beer and bikes.
Posted 15 May 2009 - 07:58 PM
Listening to MSTRKRFT - Fist of God
Music connects people through the unspoken appreciation of something that sounds right. Something that taps into the deepest corners of your soul, making you feel alive. When someone else gets it too and you know they do, it feels beautiful.
"To be brutal and honest I don't have a thin skin and others who whine over every little thing will not curry favour. I'm just going to try to keep this place fun, as it has been for all of these years." Pumpdoc, 8th Decemeber 2010.
Music connects people through the unspoken appreciation of something that sounds right. Something that taps into the deepest corners of your soul, making you feel alive. When someone else gets it too and you know they do, it feels beautiful.
"To be brutal and honest I don't have a thin skin and others who whine over every little thing will not curry favour. I'm just going to try to keep this place fun, as it has been for all of these years." Pumpdoc, 8th Decemeber 2010.
#242
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 15 May 2009 - 08:19 PM
dribbler, on May 15 2009, 08:58 PM, said:
My wife asked me for a rape alarm. I drugged her before bedtime. At 6am I f*cked her up the arse and said "honey, it's time to get up".
Who woke you up at 6? And how?
#243
mikathegreat2
-
- Senior Members
-
- 4,897 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Lucan, Ireland
- Interests:fapping.
Posted 15 May 2009 - 09:12 PM
LabradoRacer, on May 15 2009, 09:19 PM, said:
Who woke you up at 6? And how?
Dan is currently playing: with himself...
"There is nothing lower than the human race except the French."
- Mark Twain
"There is nothing lower than the human race except the French."
- Mark Twain
#244
Jean Todt
-
- Senior Members
-
- 7,919 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Land of cars....
Posted 15 May 2009 - 10:13 PM
LabradoRacer, on May 15 2009, 08:19 PM, said:
Who woke you up at 6? And how?
#245
Jean Todt
-
- Senior Members
-
- 7,919 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Land of cars....
Posted 15 May 2009 - 10:14 PM
goferrarigo, on May 12 2009, 11:02 PM, said:
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the c#ckpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the c#ckpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die...
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the c#ckpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the c#ckpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die...
#246
Quiet One
-
- Senior Members
-
- 10,586 posts
The balding avenger
- Location:Argentina
Posted 15 May 2009 - 10:40 PM
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price.
But, the dog replied, that would make no sense at all.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price.
But, the dog replied, that would make no sense at all.
"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the Universe, and it has a longer shelf life" - Frank Zappa
"Great drivers are the ones who win the races they're not supposed to" - K.Chandhok
"On the rare occasions that I play a racing game I often think âyou know what this needs? A boss battle or two.â A Formula One game in which, suddenly, everybody else has a monster truck and their sole desire is to squash you. A street racing game with a tank or two blowing the roads and buildings to bits. A Nascar game with a track that occasionally bends to the right" (Adam Smith - RPS)
"Great drivers are the ones who win the races they're not supposed to" - K.Chandhok
"On the rare occasions that I play a racing game I often think âyou know what this needs? A boss battle or two.â A Formula One game in which, suddenly, everybody else has a monster truck and their sole desire is to squash you. A street racing game with a tank or two blowing the roads and buildings to bits. A Nascar game with a track that occasionally bends to the right" (Adam Smith - RPS)
#247
elgo
-
- Senior Members
-
- 1,626 posts
Reckless Driver
- Gender:Not Telling
- Location:Spain
Posted 18 May 2009 - 05:39 PM
Argento, on May 7 2009, 09:30 PM, said:
This one is for Piotr:
A polish guy went for a vision test.
Doctor: Can you read this "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" ?
Polish Guy: read?... I know this guy!
A polish guy went for a vision test.
Doctor: Can you read this "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" ?
Polish Guy: read?... I know this guy!
I loved this one!
#248
Schumikonen
-
- Senior Members
-
- 4,280 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Unknown
Posted 19 May 2009 - 11:14 AM
Rules of the Universe
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your
differences. Love each other.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand.
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
20. by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
23. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them. (This one is so true)
26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
28. Never lick a steak knife.
29. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
33. Your friends love you anyway.
34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your
differences. Love each other.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand.
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
20. by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
23. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them. (This one is so true)
26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
28. Never lick a steak knife.
29. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
33. Your friends love you anyway.
34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Kimi Raikkonen: It is the same thing that I said before. I have no interest in driving for a bad team next year. If I race here, I always try to finish as high as I can. I don't need anything to motivate me. If I drive, I drive to do my best and that is it.
jemstride:
"I get the feeling that Alonso fans tend to heap over-praise on Alonso and bring down Kimi whenever they can, with mere theories and unjustified statements."
I just always end up disagreeing with you guys because of all the huge exaggerations, myths, theories & unjustified statements
Lewis Hamilton:
I never go with expectations, I go with a target. That is to be at the front, and the ultimate aim to win, which is the mentality I have always gone racing with.
You've got to be on the limit all the time - and I love that, because that's how I love to race.
#249
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 19 May 2009 - 11:35 AM
So 3 heads of state (to hell with timeline), let's say, Tony Blair, Silvio Berlusconi, George Bush (of course!) meet Benazir Bhutto, another head of state. Benazir says, "I'll give head(that word!) to each one of you for $10 million each." Blair goes first. The moment Benazir's got his schlong in her mouth, she threatens, "Make it $20 million else I'll bite it off." Scared s##tless, Blair agrees. Same thing happens with the Italian lothario. Now, it's Dubya's turn, & sure 'nuff she issues the same threat to him. He ponders for a minute, then replies, "Make it $5 million or I'll p**s in your mouth."
#250
goferrarigo
-
- Senior Members
-
- 6,864 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bombay, India
Posted 22 May 2009 - 08:53 AM
Schumikonen, on May 19 2009, 06:14 AM, said:
Rules of the Universe
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your
differences. Love each other.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand.
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
20. by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
23. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them. (This one is so true)
26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
28. Never lick a steak knife.
29. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
33. Your friends love you anyway.
34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your
differences. Love each other.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand.
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
20. by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
23. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them. (This one is so true)
26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
28. Never lick a steak knife.
29. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
33. Your friends love you anyway.
34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Edited by goferrarigo, 22 May 2009 - 09:27 AM.
Never argue with an idiot, they bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience - Dilbert
If your lips are extended beyond your nose then you are about to do something rude. - Scott Adams
#251
mikathegreat2
-
- Senior Members
-
- 4,897 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Lucan, Ireland
- Interests:fapping.
Posted 22 May 2009 - 04:21 PM
A racist joke, no offence to Piotr:
Anc Irishman, an Englishman & a Scottishman are on a train & have to throw something out. The Englishman threw tea out because there's too much tea in England, the Scottishman throws a kilt out because there's too many in Scotland then the Irishman throws a Polish guy out because there's too many Polish people live in Ireland!
Anc Irishman, an Englishman & a Scottishman are on a train & have to throw something out. The Englishman threw tea out because there's too much tea in England, the Scottishman throws a kilt out because there's too many in Scotland then the Irishman throws a Polish guy out because there's too many Polish people live in Ireland!
Dan is currently playing: with himself...
"There is nothing lower than the human race except the French."
- Mark Twain
"There is nothing lower than the human race except the French."
- Mark Twain
#252
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 25 May 2009 - 03:44 PM
So this man's driving a bicycle (y'know the 2 wheeled contraption just like a motorcycle, but without the motor, pollution, sound. Well, the only sound is your wheezing.) Well, as he rides along, he sees a hot babe thumbing a lift. He stops, says to her, "Sure, be seated in front." When the babe sees her destination, she gets off. (as in disembark from the bicycle). Then she realises that the man was riding a ladies' bicycle.
#253
freaky2
-
- Senior Members
-
- 2,294 posts
Elemental de Rayo
- Gender:Female
- Location:Sunny Spain
Posted 26 May 2009 - 01:37 PM
Your rules of the universe are great Schumikonen
And now for something happy:
http://wtf.microsier...ras-ovejas.html
What? Forbidden to be behind sheep? Found, obviously, in Kiwiland
Now I wonder if all the jokes flying around were serious
And now for something happy:
http://wtf.microsier...ras-ovejas.html
What? Forbidden to be behind sheep? Found, obviously, in Kiwiland
Now I wonder if all the jokes flying around were serious
#254
Jean Todt
-
- Senior Members
-
- 7,919 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Land of cars....
Posted 26 May 2009 - 03:32 PM
A racist joke, no offence to Piotr:
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"
#255
Argento Reloaded
-
- Senior Members
-
- 2,572 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posted 27 May 2009 - 01:37 PM
A maid ask the hosewife for a salary increment.
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
"Fashion dates but Logic is Timeless" Alec Isigonis
#256
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 28 May 2009 - 05:49 PM
Argento, on May 27 2009, 01:37 PM, said:
A maid ask the hosewife for a salary increment.
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
By the way, are you related to the beautiful Asia Argento?
#257
Schumikonen
-
- Senior Members
-
- 4,280 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Unknown
Posted 28 May 2009 - 09:41 PM
abbas_gear, on May 26 2009, 11:32 AM, said:
A racist joke, no offence to Piotr:
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"
This is a good one.
Kimi Raikkonen: It is the same thing that I said before. I have no interest in driving for a bad team next year. If I race here, I always try to finish as high as I can. I don't need anything to motivate me. If I drive, I drive to do my best and that is it.
jemstride:
"I get the feeling that Alonso fans tend to heap over-praise on Alonso and bring down Kimi whenever they can, with mere theories and unjustified statements."
I just always end up disagreeing with you guys because of all the huge exaggerations, myths, theories & unjustified statements
Lewis Hamilton:
I never go with expectations, I go with a target. That is to be at the front, and the ultimate aim to win, which is the mentality I have always gone racing with.
You've got to be on the limit all the time - and I love that, because that's how I love to race.
#258
Schumikonen
-
- Senior Members
-
- 4,280 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Unknown
Posted 28 May 2009 - 09:42 PM
Argento, on May 27 2009, 09:37 AM, said:
A maid ask the hosewife for a salary increment.
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
this one is good too
Kimi Raikkonen: It is the same thing that I said before. I have no interest in driving for a bad team next year. If I race here, I always try to finish as high as I can. I don't need anything to motivate me. If I drive, I drive to do my best and that is it.
jemstride:
"I get the feeling that Alonso fans tend to heap over-praise on Alonso and bring down Kimi whenever they can, with mere theories and unjustified statements."
I just always end up disagreeing with you guys because of all the huge exaggerations, myths, theories & unjustified statements
Lewis Hamilton:
I never go with expectations, I go with a target. That is to be at the front, and the ultimate aim to win, which is the mentality I have always gone racing with.
You've got to be on the limit all the time - and I love that, because that's how I love to race.
#259
Jez
-
- Senior Members
-
- 1,773 posts
F1 Champignon
- Gender:Male
- Location:Terra is my nation
Posted 29 May 2009 - 01:27 AM
Argento, on May 27 2009, 11:37 PM, said:
A maid ask the hosewife for a salary increment.
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
HW: Why?
Maid: for 3 reasons
HW: What?
Maid: 1 I iron the clothes better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: the second?
Maid: I cook better than you!
HW: Who says that?
Maid: your husband!
HW: and the third?
Maid: I make love better than you!
HW: -Very angry- And who the hell says that?
Maid: the gardener!
HW: ... how much do you want?
Gold!
#260
Argento Reloaded
-
- Senior Members
-
- 2,572 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posted 29 May 2009 - 07:37 PM
- Daddy, daddy what´s the difference between "virtual" and "real".
- Please, go and ask your mom if she make love to any man for $ 1 million...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your sister...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your brother...
-"Of course" he said too!
Well, we are "virtual" millonaires with $3 million cash but the "real" thing is we have 2 hooke rs and 1 gay at the house!
- Please, go and ask your mom if she make love to any man for $ 1 million...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your sister...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your brother...
-"Of course" he said too!
Well, we are "virtual" millonaires with $3 million cash but the "real" thing is we have 2 hooke rs and 1 gay at the house!
"Fashion dates but Logic is Timeless" Alec Isigonis
#261
Argento Reloaded
-
- Senior Members
-
- 2,572 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posted 30 May 2009 - 04:44 PM
LabradoRacer, on May 28 2009, 02:49 PM, said:
By the way, are you related to the beautiful Asia Argento?
Shhh! Don´t tell anyone: she is my stepmother but I never know her since I´ve fought with my father... and I´ve lost (you know K.O. at 5 round!)
"Fashion dates but Logic is Timeless" Alec Isigonis
#262
Jean Todt
-
- Senior Members
-
- 7,919 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Land of cars....
Posted 30 May 2009 - 05:39 PM
Argento, on May 29 2009, 08:37 PM, said:
- Daddy, daddy what´s the difference between "virtual" and "real".
- Please, go and ask your mom if she make love to any man for $ 1 million...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your sister...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your brother...
-"Of course" he said too!
Well, we are "virtual" millonaires with $3 million cash but the "real" thing is we have 2 hooke rs and 1 gay at the house!
- Please, go and ask your mom if she make love to any man for $ 1 million...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your sister...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your brother...
-"Of course" he said too!
Well, we are "virtual" millonaires with $3 million cash but the "real" thing is we have 2 hooke rs and 1 gay at the house!
#263
Schumikonen
-
- Senior Members
-
- 4,280 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Unknown
Posted 30 May 2009 - 05:58 PM
Argento, on May 29 2009, 03:37 PM, said:
- Daddy, daddy what´s the difference between "virtual" and "real".
- Please, go and ask your mom if she make love to any man for $ 1 million...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your sister...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your brother...
-"Of course" he said too!
Well, we are "virtual" millonaires with $3 million cash but the "real" thing is we have 2 hooke rs and 1 gay at the house!
- Please, go and ask your mom if she make love to any man for $ 1 million...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your sister...
-"Of course" she said!
- now. go and ask your brother...
-"Of course" he said too!
Well, we are "virtual" millonaires with $3 million cash but the "real" thing is we have 2 hooke rs and 1 gay at the house!
Kimi Raikkonen: It is the same thing that I said before. I have no interest in driving for a bad team next year. If I race here, I always try to finish as high as I can. I don't need anything to motivate me. If I drive, I drive to do my best and that is it.
jemstride:
"I get the feeling that Alonso fans tend to heap over-praise on Alonso and bring down Kimi whenever they can, with mere theories and unjustified statements."
I just always end up disagreeing with you guys because of all the huge exaggerations, myths, theories & unjustified statements
Lewis Hamilton:
I never go with expectations, I go with a target. That is to be at the front, and the ultimate aim to win, which is the mentality I have always gone racing with.
You've got to be on the limit all the time - and I love that, because that's how I love to race.
#264
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 30 May 2009 - 06:26 PM
Argento, on May 30 2009, 04:44 PM, said:
Shhh! Don´t tell anyone: she is my stepmother but I never know her since I´ve fought with my father... and I´ve lost (you know K.O. at 5 round!)
That reminds me of a joke, a bit tangent one though.
So this MILF ejects a new baby fom her vag & sure 'nuff a few months later she starts breastfeeding her newest child. As it happens, she's got an older son, 12 years old (or any horny tween/teen age). He gets excited by the sight of her pillows, and begs to be breastfed just like his new brother. The MILF explodes, "Bugger off, you don't need no milk no more. It's only for my new baby." Angered at being denied a chance to emulate Oedipus, our horny kid decides to take revenge by icing his kid bro. So in the dead of the night, when the woman's asleep, he applies poison on her lovely tits. The next day, his dad is found dead.
Edited by LabradoRacer, 30 May 2009 - 06:27 PM.
#265
Argento Reloaded
-
- Senior Members
-
- 2,572 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
- Location:Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posted 30 May 2009 - 08:40 PM
LabradoRacer, on May 30 2009, 03:26 PM, said:
That reminds me of a joke, a bit tangent one though.
So this MILF ejects a new baby fom her vag & sure 'nuff a few months later she starts breastfeeding her newest child. As it happens, she's got an older son, 12 years old (or any horny tween/teen age). He gets excited by the sight of her pillows, and begs to be breastfed just like his new brother. The MILF explodes, "Bugger off, you don't need no milk no more. It's only for my new baby." Angered at being denied a chance to emulate Oedipus, our horny kid decides to take revenge by icing his kid bro. So in the dead of the night, when the woman's asleep, he applies poison on her lovely tits. The next day, his dad is found dead.
So this MILF ejects a new baby fom her vag & sure 'nuff a few months later she starts breastfeeding her newest child. As it happens, she's got an older son, 12 years old (or any horny tween/teen age). He gets excited by the sight of her pillows, and begs to be breastfed just like his new brother. The MILF explodes, "Bugger off, you don't need no milk no more. It's only for my new baby." Angered at being denied a chance to emulate Oedipus, our horny kid decides to take revenge by icing his kid bro. So in the dead of the night, when the woman's asleep, he applies poison on her lovely tits. The next day, his dad is found dead.
His mother lay to him...
"Fashion dates but Logic is Timeless" Alec Isigonis
#266
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 05 June 2009 - 07:35 PM
Let me warn you before you see this video. The first time you watch it, you'll be severely disturbed (I was). But subsequent viewings will make you laugh hysterically. (I am now).
http://www.megafileu...-volts-avi.html
Click on the orange download button
http://www.megafileu...-volts-avi.html
Click on the orange download button
#267
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 02 July 2009 - 03:20 PM
If, like some shrink-loving mortals, God suffers from severe lack of self-belief, does it mean God's an atheist?
If a woman's named Raquel, does it mean she has great sweater kittens?
2 heads are better than 1. Which explains why men are more intelligent than women.
I saw a babe wearing a T-shirt with 'GUESS' scrawled across it. So I went up to her & said, "Breasts, right?"
If a woman's named Raquel, does it mean she has great sweater kittens?
2 heads are better than 1. Which explains why men are more intelligent than women.
I saw a babe wearing a T-shirt with 'GUESS' scrawled across it. So I went up to her & said, "Breasts, right?"
#268
BradSpeedMan
-
- Senior Members
-
- 7,366 posts
F1 Ace
Posted 16 July 2009 - 11:51 AM
here's a video....some South African humour, have a laugh folks
âWe keep on working, we do our thing,â Vettel shouts over the team radio, âWe are who we are!â
"Vettel is a champion. Thatâs not referring to his achievements, but rather to his approach to everything he does. He wins. All the time. His preparation is meticulous, his attention to detail reminiscent of Michael Schumacher at his peak, and his performance on the track is almost always flawless. Vettel is capable only of domination. He knows no other way... Vettel is not in Formula One to be liked. He is there to win. And in the words of Ayrton Senna, perhaps the greatest of all Formula One drivers, âNice men donât win.â"
Chris Cameron-Dow
"One might be tempted to say Ferrari are inconsistent this year. I think the opposite.
They are having one very good race followed by one very poor race. Consistently."
Multi21 on JA blog
#269
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 16 July 2009 - 03:51 PM
A bit late in the day, but here it goes. On 26/11, '08, in Mumbai, India, terrorists gunned down about 200, including 50 at the railway station. Well, the terrorist who was caught alive, was booked, among other things, for ticketless travel. Beat that if you can. Actually, the best joke would be 3 words: "Indian Legal System".
Edited by LabradoRacer, 16 July 2009 - 04:29 PM.
#270
LabradoRacer
-
- Senior Members
-
- 3,542 posts
F1 Ace
- Gender:Male
Posted 23 July 2009 - 03:10 PM
Read this article & nearly died laughing. She's a woman after my own heart, this Tatyana. 
clicky: The most amazing student ever
clicky: The most amazing student ever
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users
